Undocumented Facts New Year's Resolutions

It's 2012! According to 50% of the shows on the History Channel, Bigfoot is real, and this is the last year we all have on Earth.

If we can't trust this guy, who can we trust?

Initially, I figured since we'll all be dead in less than 12 months that I would just take it easy this year. Why try if alien Bigfeet are just going to blow up the world with Mayan death rays anyways?

Which is clearly what this is saying.

But then I decided that that would be the easy way - the Danish way of going about things. And when have I ever opted for the easy route, other than pretty much always? So instead I've decided to make a series of resolutions to ensure that Undocumented Facts will help keep you, my mostly incarcerated readers, entertained during your last few precious moments on Earth.

1. - I resolve to keep posting up-to-date, topical commentary on current events to help keep my readers informed during their remaining days. Such as when I posted about Ashton's tweets, the economic crisis, and  Pogs.

2. - I resolve to continue providing insightful, thought-provoking essays of humor and satire, like the time I made a masturbation joke about the Pope, or changed a bunch of words in a children's Christmas poem to "butt" and "fart."

3. - I resolve to keep you all up to date on the ridiculous things I eat, like 48 pounds of Brazillian Beef, or sadness sandwiches.

4. - I resolve to keep shamelessly pimping anything I have for sale, such as my book, Lifetimes of Blood. It's only 99 cents on Amazon people! Go buy it!

5. - I resolve to bring back at least one of these abandoned blog features, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure no one has missed them.

6. - When all else fails, I resolve to phone it in and just post stupid pictures of my dog, Ace. Because he's such a good boy.

And dignified.

7. - Finally, I resolve to get started on all this stuff within the next few weeks. A month or two, at most. Right now I think I'm going to go lay down.

Those are the New Year's Resolutions of Undocumented Facts, guaranteed to make this the best "Last Year on Earth" ever! How are you preparing for the end-times? Fortified bunkers, crime sprees, weeping in the corner? Let us know in the comments!

P.S. - Happy Birthday to this guy!

The hare-lip is barely noticeable anymore.