Undocumented Facts: 2011 Year in Review

Hey, remember when I used to do posts called Undocumented Facts that would reveal truths and information that had never been documented before, thereby giving this blog its name? Me either.

The end of the year is upon us. Pretty much every website in the world is publishing their "Year in Review" columns this week, going over notable news stories, music, movies, people and whatnot from the past year. Since every blog is already doing this I thought I would do something different to stand out from the crowd. Then I changed my mind and decided to do the same thing everyone else is doing.

Hooray, conformity!

So here it is, 2011 in review, Undocumented Facts style. Get pumped, nimrods!

Pictured: A pumped nimrod.

- January: The Washington Monument was dismantled and rebuilt exactly the same except one inch shorter in order to be more anatomically correct.

The bill to rename it the "Wang-ington Monument" was narrowly out-voted.

- March: Due to the success of their "Double Down" sandwich, KFC releases a new sandwich called "All or Nothing" that consists of mashed potatoes and gravy between 2 pieces of fried chicken skin. It does not do as well.

- March: It is revealed that beloved actor Sir Ian McKellen doesn't really exist, and has just been an elaborate prank played by unemployed plumber Joe Kowalski from New Jersey.

"It was funny to me. Maybe you had to be there."

- June: Tired of the continual mocking of its name, Peru officially changes the name of Lake Titicaca to Lake Boobieshit.

 - July: I finally went to therapy to get to the root of my long-standing fear of clowns. Turns out I'm afraid of them because clowns are just really fucking scary.

Seriously. Fuck clowns.

- September: Comedian Yakov Smirnoff announced he would retire from his nightly performance gig in Branson, MO, after performing every night for 23 years straight to a completely empty theater.

"In Soviet Russia, jokes tell you! I'm so lonely."

- November: Undocumented Facts is sued by the entire internet for false advertising over its tagline "The most important blog in the world." In a landmark decision, the judge rules that Undocumented Facts truly is the most important blog in the world, and everyone else is just being whiny suck-tards.

Bite me, internet!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Merry Christmas from Ace - The Grumpy Elf!

Who's excited about Christmas? This guy is!

Get that camera out of my face.

He's so filled with the Christmas spirit. What a good dog.

I'm not fucking around here. Get it out of my face!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

A 3rd Grade Christmas Poem

Christmas is almost here! 

Seriously, I just realized that Christmas is almost here. How did that happen? I haven't bought shit yet. Looks like I'm making an extra trip to the Dollar Store.

Everyone likes knock-off ovulation kits, right?

Since my plate is obviously full, I don't have time to write up a full post. Luckily, I just happened to be going through my archives and came across the following Christmas poem that I wrote in 3rd grade. 

Well, "wrote" maybe isn't quite as accurate as "modified." And it's probably because of that distinction that I got an F on it when I turned it in as a writing assignment. OK, again, that's not totally accurate. We didn't actually use letter grades in elementary school, so I got the equivalent of an F, which was a Frowny-Face Minus.

The system was tough but fair.

So here it is. Despite the fact that I wrote this when I was 8, I think my now patented™ sense of humor remains more or less the same. Enjoy!

A Funny Christmas Poem
by Adam T. Johnson - age 8


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the BUTT
Not a creature was stirring, not even a FART;
The BOOGERS were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that MICHAEL JACKSON soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their FEET,
While visions of LIMA BEANS danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's POOP,

When out on the lawn there arose such a EXPLOSION,
I DANCED from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a PENGUIN,
Tore open the shutters and threw up MY BREAKFAST.

When, what to my wondering BUTT should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny E.T.'S,

With a little old driver, so STUPID and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be HALL AND OATES.
More rapid than SNAILS his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DORKER! now, JERKER! now, PUNCHER and BLINKY!
On, RUBIK! on GAYWAD! on, DUMBER and PAC-MAN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away JERK-FACES!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little WEINER.
As I SPIT in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney BOY GEORGE came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with HAMBURGERS and POOP;
A bundle of ROCKS he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a GAS STATION ATTENDANT just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his NOSTRILS how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his ELBOW like a cherry!
His droll little ARMPIT was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his BUTT was as white as the snow;

The stump of a BASEBALL BAT he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a IDIOT;
He had a broad face and a SMELLY round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of SNOT.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the UNDERWEAR; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his ANTLERS,
And giving a nod, up the MONKEY BARS he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his BOOBS gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of OPTIMUS PRIME.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
MERRY BUTTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FART!

Hopefully these people don't have very good lawyers.

Yep, even as an 8 year-old, I definitely had it. Those jokes are timeless.

FAQs about Undocumented Facts: Meet the Johnsons!

Welcome to a new feature on the blog - FAQs about Undocumented Facts! In these posts I will attempt to answer the myriad of hard-hitting questions I get asked by you, the readers.

Well, "myriad" might be a bit of a stretch. I'm pretty much only asked 3 questions in relation to the blog: "Was that supposed to be funny?", "Oh, you're still doing the blogging thing?" and "Why are you like this?" In the inaugural installment of FAQAUF (pronounced "Fak-Off") I'll be tackling the third question.

I can't think of a better way to explain why I am the way I am than by introducing all of you to my family. Once you "meet" them I think it'll clear up a lot of things.

First up is my mom and dad, Linda and Tom. They used to both work in the banking industry, but now spend their time solving mysteries in New England with a talking cat. As you can probably tell I inherited my height from my mom and my sense of humor and athletic ability from my dad.

These are my brothers Grant and Gary. They're conjoined twins. Grant is the taller one with a bit of a hunchback. Gary is the "wild child" of the pair with a minor skin problem. Grant is a personal trainer at a YWCA in Indianapolis. Gary works customer service for United Airlines at the Cincinnati Airport. From what I hear their commute is a bit of a bitch.

These are my sister-wives. To be honest with you, I'm really bad with names and I think they all look alike, so I have no idea who's who. I'm pretty sure one of their names is Cassie. I think they all have jobs, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details. As any guy can tell you, it's pretty hard keeping track of 3 sister-wives. And before any of you conservative religious types get your panties in bunch - relax. "Sister-wives" is just an expression. They're not really sisters.

This is Bob. About a week after we moved into our house we discovered Bob in the attic, living in a nest he had made out of insulation and hats from the 1920s. We haven't been able to get him to leave, so we pretty much just adopted him. He's harmless, as long as you don't bring up Woodrow Wilson.

You've already met my dog, Ace, in previous posts. What most people don't know is that he's the webmaster of the Minneapolis "Team Jacob" fan club. He's such a smart doggie.

And that all leads to your host - me. This picture was taken the day before I entered a Jeff Foxworthy Look-a-Like contest. I came in third. Git 'r' done!

Well, that's my family. Hopefully it gives all of you a little insight into what makes me the amazingly brilliant and hilarious person I am.

I hope you all enjoyed the first installment of FAQs about Undocumented Facts! If you have any questions you'd like answered in a future post, leave them in the comments.

My 2nd Shortest Story Ever

Unlike most times when I post something I wrote almost ten years ago, I'm not doing it today because I have no ideas and/or I'm feeling rather Danish. I actually have 2 different ideas for posts, but both need a little more work before I'm willing to put them up. The fact that I actually put work into any of my posts is probably shocking to most of you, but it's true.

Really. It is.

No, seriously. Stop looking at me like that!

Anywho, since I already posted my shortest story ever published, I figured I'd post my 2nd shortest story ever published. I originally wrote this for a flash-fiction contest with a Western theme. As I mentioned previously, flash-fiction usually refers to a story of 500 words or less. This story is exactly 500 words, minus the title. Surprisingly enough, I won the contest. But being that this was a small press horror publication we're talking about, it not-very-surprisingly folded before my story ever saw the light of day. Luckily a year or so later I got it published in Shadowkeep Zine, which was an on-line horror magazine.

So that's the not-very-interesting story behind this story. Hopefully next week I'll get around to actually posting something original. And if we're all lucky, it might even be funny! I wouldn't hold your breath on that last part, though.

The Horror of the Blake Mine

“Jeb, bring that lantern over here!” Billy yelled.

            Jeb scurried up, hunched over because of the low ceiling in the shaft.

            “You see something?” Jeb asked. They had been in the mine for hours and hadn’t seen anything worthwhile.

            “No, I can’t see anything because you got the light so damn far away! Now try to keep up.”

            Grumbling quietly, Jeb continued to follow Billy further into the mine. They had come out to California a few months earlier. There was a gold rush going on, and they wanted in on it. But their horses fell ill en-route and had to be put down. By the time the two of them made it to California they had been beaten out by several thousand other prospectors.

            They wandered around for a while, trying to stake a claim, knowing that all the good ones were taken. Then word came of the Blake Mine. Supposedly the mine was full of gold, but no one that had ever tried to remove it had gotten out alive. Desperate and broke, Jeb and Billy decided they were going to ignore the superstition. If the rumors were even half-true, they’d both be rich for life.

            The mine started narrowing drastically, until it was no more than two feet high.

            “Looks like we’re gonna have to crawl,” Billy whispered. Jeb nodded wordlessly. He was starting to get a bad feeling about this, but couldn’t place why.

            Taking the lantern from Jeb, Billy got on his hands and knees and began to crawl. Whispering a brief prayer, Jeb followed.

            After a short period of time, the mine opened up into a large room. Billy stood and let the light from the lantern play off the walls. The sight caused both men to stare in silent awe for several minutes.

            The walls were filled with gold. Veins of the precious mineral criss-crossed all sides of the cavern. Millions of dollars worth of gold had to be in this room.

            “Holy shit,” Billy whispered as he moved over to one of the walls. “It’s beautiful,” he said as he ran his fingers delicately over the gold. “Simply beautiful.”

            Suddenly Billy began to scream, dropping the lantern to the ground. Jeb looked in horror as he saw the gold start to flow over Billy’s hand and arm. The smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils as Billy continued to wail.

            Within seconds the gold had spread to Billy’s face and chest. His screams suddenly stopped as his mouth filled with the burning substance. Jeb stared wordlessly as his friend dissolved before his eyes.

            Jeb’s paralysis finally broke. He turned and ran for the entrance to the room. In the fading light he could see the gold shoot out like webs from the walls. One strand grabbed his arm, burning his flesh as it did so.

            A few minutes later nothing remained save the lantern. It slowly burned out in the empty cavern, the only witness to the horror of the Blake Mine.

Comic Cover Cavalcade

Welcome to the first Komic Kover Kavalcade. Or KK-wait, forget that. I think I better switch those "K"s back to "C"s.

And probably should leave this cover out of the post.

I'm feeling lazy and short of ideas once again, so I decided to go with a post that's only a fraction less lazy than posting something I wrote 10 years ago. That's right, it's a post of funny comic book covers! There's only like 12,435 posts like this on the internet. I'm a trailblazer in that fashion. But I'm betting most of you don't frequent too many comic book blogs, so there's a chance they'll be new to you.

These covers are some of the most common ones people make jokes about. Once you see them, I think you'll see why.

This one cracks me up, because even though Archie is only a few feet away from the other guys, he's only ankle deep in the water and they're waist deep. What's up with that? Are those guys in a hole? Is Archie Jesus? Or was he just being a jerk? It's so wacky.

I love the look that guy is giving the kid. He's totally rubbing it in that even though he's a perfectly healthy adult he's making that little kid carry that huge log. Good stuff.

Ha! That kid's so fat he broke the tricycle, and Little Lulu doesn't even know. She's still pumping her butt off trying to pedal. That's crazy!

Right, like Archie has enough money to afford to give anyone a pearl necklace. He's not Richie Rich! The first time I saw this I almost spewed my drink all over the screen. Luckily I swallowed first.

I hope you enjoyed these innocently humorous comic covers. I sure enjoyed putting almost no work in to show them to you.

That's what she said!