A 3rd Grade Christmas Poem

Christmas is almost here! 

Seriously, I just realized that Christmas is almost here. How did that happen? I haven't bought shit yet. Looks like I'm making an extra trip to the Dollar Store.

Everyone likes knock-off ovulation kits, right?

Since my plate is obviously full, I don't have time to write up a full post. Luckily, I just happened to be going through my archives and came across the following Christmas poem that I wrote in 3rd grade. 

Well, "wrote" maybe isn't quite as accurate as "modified." And it's probably because of that distinction that I got an F on it when I turned it in as a writing assignment. OK, again, that's not totally accurate. We didn't actually use letter grades in elementary school, so I got the equivalent of an F, which was a Frowny-Face Minus.

The system was tough but fair.

So here it is. Despite the fact that I wrote this when I was 8, I think my now patented™ sense of humor remains more or less the same. Enjoy!

A Funny Christmas Poem
by Adam T. Johnson - age 8


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the BUTT
Not a creature was stirring, not even a FART;
The BOOGERS were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that MICHAEL JACKSON soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their FEET,
While visions of LIMA BEANS danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's POOP,

When out on the lawn there arose such a EXPLOSION,
I DANCED from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a PENGUIN,
Tore open the shutters and threw up MY BREAKFAST.

When, what to my wondering BUTT should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny E.T.'S,

With a little old driver, so STUPID and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be HALL AND OATES.
More rapid than SNAILS his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DORKER! now, JERKER! now, PUNCHER and BLINKY!
On, RUBIK! on GAYWAD! on, DUMBER and PAC-MAN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away JERK-FACES!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little WEINER.
As I SPIT in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney BOY GEORGE came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with HAMBURGERS and POOP;
A bundle of ROCKS he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a GAS STATION ATTENDANT just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his NOSTRILS how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his ELBOW like a cherry!
His droll little ARMPIT was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his BUTT was as white as the snow;

The stump of a BASEBALL BAT he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a IDIOT;
He had a broad face and a SMELLY round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of SNOT.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the UNDERWEAR; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his ANTLERS,
And giving a nod, up the MONKEY BARS he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his BOOBS gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of OPTIMUS PRIME.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
MERRY BUTTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FART!

Hopefully these people don't have very good lawyers.

Yep, even as an 8 year-old, I definitely had it. Those jokes are timeless.