Introduction - A Column for the Ages
The article you're about to feast your eyes on has a lot of history behind it. Reckless Activities for Stupid People in general, and this entry specifically, have had a pretty crazy life.
This entry first began as a speech I gave in a college speech class. I got an "A". I pretty much rule like that.
A few years later I wrote it down, slapped the title "Stupid Activities for Reckless People" on the top of it and had it published in the school newspaper of a college in Alabama that I didn't attend. I did live in the dorms there for 3 weeks, despite not going to school there, but that's a different story.
Later still, I changed the title to "Reckless Activities for Stupid People" (because I liked RASP as an acronym better than SARP,) decided to make a reoccurring column out of it, and started posting on themestream.com. Themestream was a website that initially paid writers 10 cents per unique hit on every article. Quickly realizing that was bat-shit insane, they dropped their rates to 2 cents a page. But considering they literally let anyone post anything, that was still a ton of people getting paid to post mostly terrible articles. In less than a year they were out of business. I managed to get one $25 check from them before they folded. Considering I was working for ASP at the time, that represented about 3 days pay, so I was thrilled.
A few years later I moved the column over to a horror website called deviantminds.com. Despite the fact that this column has nothing to do with the horror fiction genre, I had a bit of a name for myself in the small press horror community and they were happy to have me aboard. The website eventually shut down when the editor was suspected of helping his mother murder his father and then dismember the body in an attempt to hide it. Seriously.
And many years later here we are. After starting life in a college class almost 20 years ago (Jesus Christ, I'm old,) Reckless Activities for Stupid People lives again. I've decided to keep the "classic" columns as they were, including the beginning disclaimer and my always changing bio at the end of them. Mainly because I put some funny shit in the bios. This first column isn't the funniest of the bunch. I sweetened a few parts up, but it's largely the same as the original speech. Hard as it may be to believe, my writing has improved over the years. But this first entry has the most history of anything I've written, and has been seen/heard by the most diverse audience. So despite its flaws, I like it, warts and all.
I also realize this introduction has been long on the history, and short on the funny. But when RASP becomes an international smash hit all this info will come in very handy for whomever writes the inevitable Wikipedia entry. You're welcome, nerd of the future.
And now, after the jump, brace yourself for the 5th ever world premiere of Reckless Activities for Stupid People! Bring an extra pair of pants. You're going to need them.
[***DISCLAIMER*** The contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you and any small animals in your immediate area.]
Out of Shape? Start Smoking!
Every day you see them. Whether it’s at work, in the grocery store, at your local porno theater, or in the mirror, we all see them. Out of shape people. The world is crawling with them. Flabbiness abounds on all corners of the globe. Or at least us Americans would like to think that we’re not the only country that’s hopelessly out of shape.
But what can be done about this alarming trend? Liposuction? Too expensive. Plus, it doesn’t get you in shape, just gets rid of those big chunks of fat that are hanging all over you. Diet pills? Too unpredictable. And once again it only helps if you’re lumpy. Exercise? Fatty please, that is way too much work. Only suckers exercise.
“So what can I do?” you might be asking yourself right now, (or if you’re not, perhaps you should take a minute to ask yourself that. I’ll wait.) Don’t worry, I have the answer, and it’s quite simple. Start smoking cigarettes.
All right, I know many of you are rolling your eyes and screaming things at the computer screen such as “You’re crazy!”, “That’s ridiculous!” and “Why isn’t this porn?! I did a search for porn!!” But hear me out, and I think you will all agree with my logic.
Let’s examine exercise and what it does for you. One of the main things is that it raises your respiratory rate, causing you to breath heavy and burn calories faster.
Smoking does this as well. Without even having to stand upright, you can achieve that same breathlessness of exercise merely by smoking several cigarettes. As any heavy smoker, or person who knows one, can attest, if you smoke enough breathing will become very difficult. The simple act of leaning forward to grab the remote can wind a heavy smoker.
Now compare this to the same results you get with exercise. To get winded exercising you need to exert yourself, and more importantly leave the house and/or move away from your computer. Then it takes several minutes of vigorous activity before you become winded.
Smoking, on the other hand, can be done from the couch or computer, and requires almost no physical activity by the smoker. All it takes is one hand moving up to your lips at semi-regular intervals. And when you get really good you can just leave the cigarette in your mouth, inhaling and exhaling with no outward motion whatsoever. And you get the same increased rate of respiration all those chumps out jogging get.
The second main thing that exercise does is raise your heart rate, which once again causes the body to burn calories faster and build muscle. It also causes you to sweat and get tired. If you’re anything like me, (and if you’re not, I pity you) exercising makes you sweat. A lot. More than a fat kid on recess. And nobody likes to sweat. It stains the armpits of your shirts, causes you to smell, and gives off a harsh glare when in direct sunlight. Literally nobody wants these things.
On the other hand, smoking can raise your heart rate without a single one of the unwanted side effects listed above. It doesn’t make you sweat. It doesn’t stain your shirt. It doesn’t make you smell. Well, it doesn’t make you smell like body odor. And once again you can do it in comfort, without exerting yourself at all.
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Adam, I’ve seen two-story outhouses that make more sense than you. Smoking causes cancer. It will kill you!”
Granted, chain-smoking for a long (or possibly even short) period of time will cause cancer and eventually kill you. But what doesn’t these days? Every day there’s a new study released about another seemingly harmless object that has now been discovered to cause cancer or premature aging or genital warts or some other dread disease. Hey, we all gotta go sometime. If you stay in shape and die young from smoking, at least you’ll make a good-looking corpse.
In summary; we’re all big out of shape blobs laying on the floor and stuffing an endless stream of fast food burgers and take-out Chinese into our pie-holes. We can either stop doing that and start exercising, or continue with our current lifestyle and start smoking. I think the answer is clear.
(2011 note - That website, surprisingly even to me, is still active. You might want to brace your eyes before clicking the link, though.)
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