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| Where'd you come from? |
Ah, I see. A night on the town with "the Boys."
Well, luckily there's still a pile of stuff you wrote a decade ago that we can use. Thank goodness you were prolific at some point in your life.
So once again, after the jump, it's a vintage installment of Reckless Activities for Stupid People! Read it and weep!
[***DISCLAIMER*** The
contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the
publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or
suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you
and any small animals in your immediate area]
How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People
Welcome
back.
Despite
popular opinion and against the advice of everyone I have ever met, I’m back
with another column chock full of wonderful nuggets of joy guaranteed to make
your life an endless rose garden.
Oh,
wait. That’s the next column. This one is just another stupid attempt at being
funny while I make vague insults towards everyone I can. Well then, let’s get
on with it!
In
case you missed the title of this column, (It’s just a few inches above here. I
don’t know how you didn’t notice it. It’s even underlined) this time around I’m
going to let you all in on my sure-fire secrets to making anybody, anywhere,
like you. In case you’re a little slow, I’ll explain why you would want to do
this. It’s quite simple, really. If people like you they will do things for
you. Sometimes they will even give you things – free of charge! Even the most
slow-witted, mullet sporting, sweatpants wearing, Ford driving moron knows that
this is a good thing.
“But
Adam, I have the personality of a lump of cheese that’s been left in the back
seat of a car for weeks. I can’t make new friends.”
How
did you get in here? No matter, it’s a good point. A lot of people have a hard
time meeting new people. But have no fear. As usual, I have all the answers.
The Introduction
The first thing you need to do when making new friends is
introduce yourself to them. It doesn’t matter who it is. I recommend
introducing yourself to every single person you come in contact with every
single day. The more people that you know, the more people know you. Amazing
how that works, ain’t it?
When
introducing yourself to someone new, you need to say something that will make
you stick out in his or her minds. Unless you are talking to someone that is a
lot like yourself, chances are they meet a lot of people on any given day. You
need to stand out from the crowd.
A
good way to do this is to let people know right off the bat what you do for a
living and how much money you make. That way they know that you are more
important than other people, and therefore more worthy of being their friend.
There is a snag to this, though. Chances are your job and salary wouldn’t
impress a peg-legged mop boy at an all night porno theater. This can be solved
in the usual way. Lie through your teeth. Compare the following two
introductions:
Honest
Introduction – “Hi. I’m (insert name here). I let doctors perform dangerous and
illegal procedures on me for sixty bucks a week. Wanna be friends?”
Dishonest
Introduction – “Hi. I’m (once again insert your name here). I’m a fireman on
the space shuttle and president of Antarctica. I make four bazillion dollars
every day. We should get to know each
other.”
Now
wasn’t the second introduction much better than the first? Just make sure you
remember to use your name in the parts with parentheses, and not “insert name
here.” That would make you look really bad.
The
introduction is the easy part. You’ve got their attention. Now you need to keep
it.
Developing the Friendship
It’s not enough just to be interesting at first. You need
to keep lying so the other person will continue to find you interesting. Don’t
worry about keeping track of all your lies. You should be so impressive to
anyone you meet at this point that they will honestly believe that you’ve built
a children’s hospital single-handedly, captured eight terrorists at the local
Baskin-Robbins, and invented the Internet all in the same week.
But
there is still the possibility of people losing interest. This will most likely
happen if at any given time while you are around them, you are not talking
about yourself. If the other person is allowed to say anything - other than how
great they think you are - they might decide that someone else is more worthy
of their friendship.
That
is why you must never let them get a word in edge wise. If you must pause to
breathe or eat or some other stupid thing, place your hand firmly over your new
friend’s mouth. This way he/she won’t be able to speak about topics that don’t
involve you. Of course, once you’ve gotten them sufficiently trained, they
wouldn’t dream of speaking about anything else. But let’s not get too
ambitious.
Now I’m sure many of you are thinking “Adam, you’re so
dreamy. Will you bear my children?” Sorry. The answer is no. I’m with somebody and
you’re a guy anyway, so it just wouldn’t work. Besides, what you should be
thinking is “What do I get out of all of this?”
Excellent question. I’m glad I asked it. You can get all
kinds of stuff out of this. Jobs, promotions, gifts, concert tickets,
Presidential pardons, the list is endless. You’ve roped the suckers in, now its
time to milk them for all they’re worth.
The Payoff
Most people aren’t going to just give you stuff for no
reason. It’s your job to take advantage of their friendship and trust and get
them to give you things, whether they want to or not.
Subtlety is the key. If someone has a new television that
you admire, it’s no problem getting them to give it to you. Not if they’re your
friend. You just need to be subtle. Say something along the lines of; “My what
a nice television set you have there. You must have worked very hard to be able
to purchase such a fine piece of home entertainment equipment. Give it to me
right now.” If the TV isn’t in your home by the end of the day, they obviously
aren’t a real friend.
Birthdays and holidays are another great way to get free
crap from the losers that you call “friends.” Unfortunately, that usually means
you have to give them something in return.
The gift itself isn’t a problem. Your local landfill is
filled with all kinds of unique, unusual gifts for your friends. And it’s all
free! If that’s not your style, visit the men’s room of any truck-stop gas
station. It’s guaranteed to have a vending machine inside with all kinds of
interesting gifts, usually for 75 cents or less.
The real problem is remembering all those birthdays. If
you’ve correctly followed my advice on introducing yourself and developing
friendships, you should have roughly 6,038 friends by now. That’s a lot of
birthdays! But as with most things, there is an easy solution. Simply find a
friend that is more trustworthy, desperate, and gullible than the rest. Now
make it his or her job to remember everyone’s birthday for you. They will be
more than happy to call or email you a few days before a birthday comes up. To
show your appreciation for their hard work, give them a scratch behind the ear
from time to time. If their leg twitches involuntarily, that means they’re happy.
So that’s it. If you follow the advice that I’ve so
generously laid out for you here, you should be ass deep in sycophants by the
end of the week. Just remember when you’re spending your spring break in the
Lincoln Bedroom who’s advice it was that got you there.
Next Issue: An in-depth analysis of the mythological
archetypes found in the horror fiction of Douglas Clegg, Stephen King and
Richard Matheson. Or, something Really Stupid!
Adam Johnson spends his time cowering in a corner, dressed
in nothing but tinfoil and muttering incoherently about My Little Pony. He also
finds time to be a “serious writer.” His short stories have appeared in places
such as Burning Sky, Anotherealm, Twilight Showcase and the Rare Anthology. He
also has a chapbook available from Darktales Publications. Any comments, hate
mail, job offers, or suggestions for future columns can be sent to raspletters@hotmail.com.
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