My Bucket List

It has recently come to my attention that "Bucket Lists" are a fairly popular thing right now. Not only do a lot of people have one, but they even made a movie out of the idea. Supposedly it's a comedy.

And these are the two people I think of first when I think "comedy."

I have to admit I'm pretty surprised to find this out. Granted, I've had a Bucket List for years, but I kind of figured I was the only one. Despite the fact that I've knowingly been into some questionably popular things in the past, even I figured this was a little too weird for most people. But if others are into it, all the better. In my opinion it's about time people other than me start making bucket lists.

So here you go: my list of buckets I want to own before I die.

This one makes me laugh every time. It's a fire bucket that's also an ashtray! That's priceless.

This one is like the Cadillac of janitor buckets. It's got everything you need in one package. Pretty damn sweet.

This one isn't just a bucket, it's filled with toy animals! How awesome is that? Plus, you could put the animals back into the bucket when you're done, thus getting continual use out of the bucket. That's just smart design-work right there.

These are actual, working lamps made from buckets. It's like someone was looking directly into my dreams.

And finally, this last one is for SBG, a true god among men.

I'm going to have one of those in every room in my house someday.

Well, that's my Bucket List. What about the rest of you? What buckets have you always wanted to own? Share it in the comments.

Buy My NEW Book!

The wait is finally over!* My newest book is here!

Sometimes Evil Just Don't Pay is a collection of 14 of my short stories, including 3 that have never been published. The cover is once again by Kory Kolvig, and as much as I loved the last cover he did for me, he topped himself with this one. That cover rules.**

The book is available through Amazon.com for the amazingly low price of $1.99. But even better, if you're an Amazon Prime member, you can read it for free. Yes, free! That's as cheap as it gets!

Here's the description from Amazon:

A suicidal man that just can’t seem to die . . . a world where everyone has become a murderous lunatic . . . unseen horrors hunting deep below the earth . . .demons pouring in from a portal to another realm . . . and a pair of Mafia hitmen with a knack for the supernatural. SOMETIMES EVIL JUST DON’T PAY collects 14 stories of terror, suspense and humor by Adam T. Johnson, with a guest appearance by Satan himself! This collection will leave you screaming, laughing, and begging for more.

How can you say no to that? As I've mentioned before, you don't even need a Kindle to read it. You can read it right in your browser, or download one of these free apps that are available for every device out there.

If you buy it, I'd appreciate it if you use one of these links or the link on the side of the page to do so. I make a few extra pennies that way. And if you read it, make sure to leave me a review. Good or bad, books with more reviews get more sales, so you'd be helping me out.

And once again, it's only $1.99 - free for Prime members! You're not going to find a better bang for your buck. For real. I've done the research.


* I know at least 1 person was waiting for it. So this statement is technically true.


** As if the cover itself isn't good enough, Kory made it by tracing that outline in the parking lot of a school and photographing it. He then left the chalk outline. I really wish I could have been around the next day when someone found it.

Cousin Balki Says:

How you doing?

Bumper Sticker 'Stravaganza

Do you have a bumper sticker on your car? Did you see someone with a bumper sticker the last time you were out driving? Chances are you answered "Yes" to at least one of those questions. And considering my audience, chances are you moved your lips while reading those questions.

Huh?

Bumper stickers are immensely popular. For some reason millions of people think it's a good idea to slap stickers on their vehicle that most likely cost thousands of dollars, just so people they don't know and will almost certainly never meet can know something about their beliefs and/or hobbies. And they pay money for them! That's where I'm stepping in.

You see, someone has to be writing these things. And I assume someone is paying those people to write these things. And then I realized - I'm people! I like to get paid for stuff! I should get in on that.

I could retire off of this guy alone.

So I'm launching my bumper sticker writing career right here. And as readers of my blog you get to see my first batch of bumper sticker ideas free of charge! You don't even need to be driving to read these. In fact, you almost certainly shouldn't be driving while reading these. Reading a blog while driving seems like a bad idea.

Gingrich eats babies? Hah! Totally worth it.

(Unfortunately, I have absolutely no Photoshop skills, so I can't show you what the bumper stickers will look like. Just imagine that each of these is in a rectangle with a colored background. That's pretty much all there is to it.)

Enough introduction, let's get to the bumper stickers. Huzzah!

- Honk If You Love Confusing the Motorists Around You.

- NoR-omney

- You don't have to be crazy to work here.

   In fact, they probably wouldn't hire you if you were crazy.

- My Other Car Has This Same Bumper Sticker (sold in a two-pack. That's twice the value, bumper sticker companies!)

- The Nile is a River in Egypt. 

   Cairo is a City in Egypt.

- Where the Heck is the nearest Walgreens?

- FUCK (this might be the best one. I should charge extra for it.)

- My Child is an Honor Student At (Insert School Here). Well, last semester he was. He's having a harder time this semester. He doesn't like his classes as much, and there's been problems at home. Plus, as a teenager, the hormones are just going crazy at this point. That can't help, right? I mean, being a teenager in general ain't easy, what with the internet and ishdjasdas......

- This Sticker is Covering a Scratch on my Bumper.

- THE GRAND CANYON 

  (is somewhere I hope to visit someday.)

- My Religion is Most Likely More Correct than Your Religion.

That's enough for now. I don't want to give it all away for free, like some kind of sticker whore. To all you Bumper Sticker Company executives reading this, I'm looking forward to your money. Call me!

If you've got any bumper sticker ideas of your own, leave them in the comments. If they're good enough, I might just steal them. Lucky you!

But then you could put this sticker on your car. So win/win, really.

Reckless Activities for Stupid People #5

Pssst, Adam. You're overdue getting a post up. What have you been up to?

Where'd you come from?

Ah, I see. A night on the town with "the Boys."

Well, luckily there's still a pile of stuff you wrote a decade ago that we can use. Thank goodness you were prolific at some point in your life.

So once again, after the jump, it's a vintage installment of Reckless Activities for Stupid People! Read it and weep!

Newt Gingrich Eats Babies!

What's that? A shocking, probably untrue and possibly libelous headline? Looks like someone is fishing for web hits again.

Although those could be caramel covered baby heads.

That's right, it's another post where I include a bunch of random crap in an attempt to drive up web traffic. This time around I'm calling it a Shameless Attempt to Fraudulently Redirect Online search eNgines! Or SAFRON - if you ignore some words, proper capitalization and common sense when it comes to making acronyms. Let's get this party started!

I'm pretty sure Paris Hilton is still popular. She's that slutty girl, right?

That's hot.

Honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

I know for a fact that Charlie Sheen has been all over the news recently. I think because he wrestled some tigers.

I loved him in Apocalypse Now.

That should help this blog seem hip and current.

It feels like everyone around me lately has been talking about Lobster soda pop. It sounds delicious.

It goes great with Octopus Ice Cream.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I just made that up.

One thing that I definitely have been hearing people talk about is Umpires. I know, it seems weird. But between Twilight, Buffy, and a ton of other books and movies, they're apparently pretty popular. So here you go.

Ladies.

That should attract both the pre-teen and middle-age females. 

If you've spent any time with teenagers lately, you know they can't get enough Spanish Mission Revival architecture.

Who could blame them?

I'm getting all tingly and excited just thinking about it.

And since by this point I'm sure I have thousands of unintentional readers of this post, I might as well point out that my book is available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for only 99 cents!

Have I mentioned this before?

You should really check it out.

That's it for this edition of SUKOFF, or whatever. A big Undocumented Facts welcome to all my new and confused readers that found this post under false pretenses. Enjoy your stay!

 

Crazy Ramblings And Aimless Perceptions

Did you ever read Larry King's column that he used to write for USA Today? Basically he would just spit out whatever random, crazy thing was in his head with no regard for coherent thought or complete sentences. And he got paid for it. That's insane. And something that sounds totally easy to do.

So welcome to the first edition of Crazy Ramblings And Aimless Perceptions, or CRAAP for short. (I wish I could think of something funny for that acronym, but you can't win them all.) In these posts I'm just going to write whatever pops into my head and share it with you, my undeservedly lucky readers. And I'm doing it all for free! Suck it, Larry King!

I've angered the beast.

 - If I were the Human Torch, I'd be eating s'mores all the time.

- Ginger ale is like tiny angel kisses on your brain. So is meth.

- String cheese is neither string nor cheese. Discuss.

Pretty sure it's not an incident, either.

- If I could be any animal I'd probably be a bear. They get to sleep half the year and spend the other half getting fat enough to go back to sleep. That sounds awesome.

- Conversely, the animal I'd least like to be is a horse. They work all the time, and sleep standing up. No thanks.

- Apparently an animal's sleeping habit is the most important quality to me. Who knew?

- I like pie.

- Day in and day out, Ziggy says the things the rest of us don't have the balls say.

Way to stick it to the man, Ziggs!

- I don't believe in Asians.

- I once accidentally wore my boxers backwards. It wouldn't have been too big of a deal, but I forgot to change them for over a week.

- Have you ever used mouthwash? I haven't.

- They should make a 2 person motorcycle where the people can ride side by side. And to protect you from rain they should enclose it. And instead of those uncomfortable handlebars they should use a wheel to steer, like from a ship. Anyone with me?

Like this.

- What's the deal with hand soap?

- I think I'm going to go eat some pie.


P.S. - Happy birthday to this guy!

Well that's just rude.

Undocumented Facts New Year's Resolutions

It's 2012! According to 50% of the shows on the History Channel, Bigfoot is real, and this is the last year we all have on Earth.

If we can't trust this guy, who can we trust?

Initially, I figured since we'll all be dead in less than 12 months that I would just take it easy this year. Why try if alien Bigfeet are just going to blow up the world with Mayan death rays anyways?

Which is clearly what this is saying.

But then I decided that that would be the easy way - the Danish way of going about things. And when have I ever opted for the easy route, other than pretty much always? So instead I've decided to make a series of resolutions to ensure that Undocumented Facts will help keep you, my mostly incarcerated readers, entertained during your last few precious moments on Earth.

1. - I resolve to keep posting up-to-date, topical commentary on current events to help keep my readers informed during their remaining days. Such as when I posted about Ashton's tweets, the economic crisis, and  Pogs.

2. - I resolve to continue providing insightful, thought-provoking essays of humor and satire, like the time I made a masturbation joke about the Pope, or changed a bunch of words in a children's Christmas poem to "butt" and "fart."

3. - I resolve to keep you all up to date on the ridiculous things I eat, like 48 pounds of Brazillian Beef, or sadness sandwiches.

4. - I resolve to keep shamelessly pimping anything I have for sale, such as my book, Lifetimes of Blood. It's only 99 cents on Amazon people! Go buy it!

5. - I resolve to bring back at least one of these abandoned blog features, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure no one has missed them.

6. - When all else fails, I resolve to phone it in and just post stupid pictures of my dog, Ace. Because he's such a good boy.

And dignified.

7. - Finally, I resolve to get started on all this stuff within the next few weeks. A month or two, at most. Right now I think I'm going to go lay down.

Those are the New Year's Resolutions of Undocumented Facts, guaranteed to make this the best "Last Year on Earth" ever! How are you preparing for the end-times? Fortified bunkers, crime sprees, weeping in the corner? Let us know in the comments!

P.S. - Happy Birthday to this guy!

The hare-lip is barely noticeable anymore.