Newt Gingrich Eats Babies!

What's that? A shocking, probably untrue and possibly libelous headline? Looks like someone is fishing for web hits again.

Although those could be caramel covered baby heads.

That's right, it's another post where I include a bunch of random crap in an attempt to drive up web traffic. This time around I'm calling it a Shameless Attempt to Fraudulently Redirect Online search eNgines! Or SAFRON - if you ignore some words, proper capitalization and common sense when it comes to making acronyms. Let's get this party started!

I'm pretty sure Paris Hilton is still popular. She's that slutty girl, right?

That's hot.

Honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

I know for a fact that Charlie Sheen has been all over the news recently. I think because he wrestled some tigers.

I loved him in Apocalypse Now.

That should help this blog seem hip and current.

It feels like everyone around me lately has been talking about Lobster soda pop. It sounds delicious.

It goes great with Octopus Ice Cream.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I just made that up.

One thing that I definitely have been hearing people talk about is Umpires. I know, it seems weird. But between Twilight, Buffy, and a ton of other books and movies, they're apparently pretty popular. So here you go.

Ladies.

That should attract both the pre-teen and middle-age females. 

If you've spent any time with teenagers lately, you know they can't get enough Spanish Mission Revival architecture.

Who could blame them?

I'm getting all tingly and excited just thinking about it.

And since by this point I'm sure I have thousands of unintentional readers of this post, I might as well point out that my book is available on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble for only 99 cents!

Have I mentioned this before?

You should really check it out.

That's it for this edition of SUKOFF, or whatever. A big Undocumented Facts welcome to all my new and confused readers that found this post under false pretenses. Enjoy your stay!

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About the MN State Fair

It's State Fair time! That means giant, smelly crowds, overpriced food that by all rights should kill you with two bites, and black boogers the next day. Hooray!

That is some genuine excitement right there.

Realizing that the State Fair is the most popular thing going in Minnesota right now, and numbered lists are about the most popular articles on the internet, I've decided to shamelessly combine the two in a desperate attempt for affection traffic. You could consider this post "Undocumented Facts - MN State Fair Edition." But no one is going to do a web search for that. I'll gladly toss away any kind of  creative continuity on this site if it gets me nine page views. Because I care.

So on we go to 7 totally real, not at all made-up on the spot, things you didn't know about the MN State Fair! It's so exciting it's stupid!!!

Michele Bachmann is the Anti-Christ!

Did that get your attention? I hope so. That's the whole point.

This post isn't actually about Michele Bachmann. Or the Anti-Christ. Although she does look a little Anti-Christ-y in this picture.

I'll swallow your SOUL!

This post isn't about anything, really. No, it's the first ever Shameless, Horrible Attempt to increase web Traffic! SHAT for short. Assuming that you ignore a couple of words in there.

Basically I'm just going to randomly include things that I think are probably popular internet searches, and hope some people accidentally stumble here by mistake (that's the greatest sentence I've ever written.) Won't they be in for a treat.

So let's see. Justin Bieber. That's a thing, right? Here's a picture.

Maybe it's a LesBieberbian.

Yeah, I can see why that chick is so popular.

What else? How about Pogs? Kids still like Pogs, right? How could they not?

Especially religious ones.

Those sure look like fun. And like a popular web search result.

You know what I would do a search for right now? Ham sandwiches. I'm hungry.

You can almost taste the blandness.

I'm pretty sure 90% of posts on Facebook and Twits on Twitter are about what people are eating at that moment. So this should draw in that crowd.

And lastly, you know what I heard is really popular? The blog Undocumented Facts.

It's like a mirror looking into a mirror.

Or at least that's what's on my computer most often.

I hope you enjoyed the first round of SHIRT! Or whatever I called it up there. I can't be bothered to scroll up and check. If this works, I'll be rich with internets! Excelsior!