Dirty, Dirty, Dirty Jokes

Hey, remember when I did a post that was just the punchlines to dirty jokes, leaving it up to you, the reader, to come up with the set-up to the joke? No? Honestly, I don't really remember that one either. I was sniffing a lot of markers back in those days.

"Riding the Pastel Pony" as it's known on the streets.

But despite the Crayola sized holes in my memory, I figured I'd give that type of post another shot, since it seemed to go over so well the last time.

Although these guys haven't left my front yard since then.

So here's another batch of the filthiest, most perverted, most hilariously dirty punchlines I can think up in under 5 minutes. Come up with the joke for the punchline and leave it in the comments. Whoever comes up with the best one should probably be ashamed of themselves and wash their mouth out with soap.

1. You think I look bad, you should see the chicken!

2. No, but my cucumber salad is missing.

3. Another 3 feet, and you'd have been a daddy!

4. Because antelope can't swim.

5. I said "Bus Wrecks" not "Butt Sex!"

Alright you sickos. Let's see what you got.

5 Things I Find Funny Right Now

Man, I've kind of let this place slide since the big Blorthday celebration, haven't I? 

While it might have been a well deserved break for me (it was), it probably isn't fair to leave all of you rabid fans without a source of humor for so long (it isn't.) That assumes that this blog is the only source of humor you have, which seems like a pretty reasonable assumption to me.

In yet another example of just how damn giving I am to you people, I've decided to provide you with a list of things I'm currently finding funny, so you can use them to help you get past the shakes you get when I don't post for too long. This list isn't of my Top 5 funny things of all time, or things that are similar to whatever it is I do here. It's simply 5 things I find funny that I have been enjoying in the last few months. 

1. Bunk - TV show

This is a new show on IFC. It's a fake game show where the contestants are all comedians doing various improv bits, mixed in with some crazy, scripted stuff. I've only seen 2 episodes but they were really good. IFC's other new show, Comedy Bang! Bang! is also pretty good, but so far I like Bunk better.

2. Sklarbro Country - Podcast

The Sklar Brothers are identical twins who have been doing stand-up together for close to 20 years. They're hilarious. Their podcast is also hilarious. It's billed as a "comedy/sports" podcast, but you don't really need to know anything about sports to enjoy it. Pretty much every episode features a real guest, usually a comedian, and a fake celebrity guest that's voiced by a revolving cast. My favorite fake guest is Bruce Jenner, although Jesse Ventura, Bryant Gumble, Sam Elliot and Mark Wahlberg are all great, too.

3. Popeye - Comic book

This Popeye series is a new comic, telling new stories, in the style of Popeye's creator E.C. Segar. If you've read the original newspaper strip reprint series that was released by Fantagraphics, you'll love this, (and if you haven't, you're missing out. Go buy it right now.) But even if you haven't read the originals, this comic is a ton of fun. And appropriate for all ages, which unfortunately you can't say about a lot of comics out right now.

4. Norm MacDonald: Me Doing Stand-Up - Stand-up special

I've always been a fan of Norm MacDonald. His stand-up is very unique, and funny as hell. This special is fairly recent, and is some of his best yet. Definitely not for kids or people that are easily offended. It's available to watch instantly on Netflix, so you should probably go do that.

5. The Pirates! An Adventure with Scientists & An Adventure with Ahab - Book

This is actually 2 books in 1, in a flip-book fashion. Although together they're still only about 200 pages total, so calling either of them a book on their own is a bit of a stretch. These books are extremely silly adventures of a group of extremely inept pirates. It's along the lines of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books, although not as funny as that. You can get this on amazon for less than 10 bucks right now, so you might as well go do that.

Whew, this was supposed to be an easy post to get out of having to come up with a real post. This might have been more work than usual. Figures. Anyway, maybe some of this stuff will tickle your fancy in the same way it tickled mine. Which is to say, in a dirty place.

 And if you don't find any of this stuff funny, well, it's not my fault. I didn't come up with this crap.

Drunk Post!

The world has never been so hot and sticky, and amaretto sours are delicious. These things are facts.

Also fact: Even drunk I can pronounce "Disaronno" better than this guy.

Anyone that disagrees is the devil.

No, you are!

Happy Birthday!

Holy crap, my blog is 1 year old today. We need to throw a party!

And unlike Kirk Cameron's birthday parties, there's going to be people at this one.

What's the term for when a blog turns 1? Blogiversary? Blorthday?

Either way, it's hard to believe that it's been an entire year since my first post. There's so many people I'd like to thank. First and foremost - myself. I couldn't have done it without me. And actually, that's it. Just me.

As a special gift for all of you, my loyal readers, I've decided to peel back the curtain and give you another FAQS About Undocumented Facts: First Year Anniblogsary Edition! Yippee!

- Not counting this post, there were 85 posts in the first year of Undocumented Facts. That works out to basically 7 posts a month, or a post every 4 1/4 days. 

- At least 7 of those posts weren't me simply posting a single image and writing 2 sentences about it, or crap I wrote 10 years ago, or Cousin Balki. I know it doesn't seem that way some times, but it's true.

- The 5 most viewed posts, according to the stats I have access to, are the following:

          #5: FAQs about Undocumented Facts: Meet the Johnsons!

          #4: Lame.

          #3: Reckless Activities for Stupid People Version 5.0: Stupid Lives!

          #2: Undocumented Facts Part 2

          #1: Costume Conundrum

- The reasons #'s 1-4 above there are what they are is because at various times, some of the random pictures I've put in my posts have ended up being one of the top GIS results. For Lame. the picture was a top result for "spider-man fat," "fat black spider-man" "black fat spider man" and a variety of other combinations of those words. For a long time, if you did a Google Image Search for the phrase "bored guy" the dude at the top of my Undocumented Facts Part 2 post was the top result. Reckless Activities for Stupid People Version 5.0: Stupid Lives! is one of the top Google results if you search for "reckless activities, "stupid activities," or "activities for stupid people." And Costume Conundrum got so many views because it's a top search for "spiderman speedo." And strangely, for a while it was getting a lot of hits as a result of people doing a search for "fancy dress borat" and "fancy dress costume."

Because nothing says "Fancy Dress" like man-toe.

FAQs about Undocumented Facts: Meet the Johnsons! got a lot of hits because apparently people actually liked it. I'm just as surprised by that as you are.

And in case anyone's wondering, my favorite post was Max to the eXtrEmE!!!! I think it's my best one. It ranks 7th in overall views.

- Aside from the search terms listed above, the other most popular Google search that brings traffic to the blog is, not surprisingly, "undocumented facts." Granted, most of the people performing those searches are probably racist, but I'll take the traffic any way I can get it.

They're probably looking for images closer to this than to Fancy Borat up there.

- The top 5 countries where my viewership comes from, according to Google, are:

          #5: Canada

          #4: Russia (I'm pretty sure this is from spam-bots and phishing attempts. But hits are hits!)

          #3: United Kingdom

          #2: Bahamas (Thanks, Grant and Katie!)

          #1: USA. (Woo-hoo! We're number 1! USA! USA! USA!)

- Undocumented Facts has been viewed twice on a Nintendo Wii. That amuses me.

So there's some of the behind the scenes info from Undocumented Facts' first year. If you're trying to figure out the best way to celebrate this monumental event, why don't you go back to the very first post and re-read all of them in order? There's actually an overall narrative to the entire blog that only becomes apparent when you read the entire thing in order.

SPOILER ALERT!: The bad guys are The Danish.

And for real, thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read any of my posts. Hopefully they're actually funny once in a while, and you'll all stick around for Year 2. 

Batman's sticking around. Ain't that right, Batman of La Mancha?

Oh, Batman. You're such a kidder.

Safety Tips for the Days of Summer

The weather's heating up, the days are getting longer, and fat people are wearing inappropriately revealing clothing at the amusement park. That's right, summer is finally here!

With the weather so nice, chances are you're not going to just sit around inside your house, sweating your balls or lady-balls off.

Pictured: Lady balls.

But don't just go charging out of the house all willy-nilly, run into oncoming traffic and get hit by an ice-cream truck. That would put a serious damper on the rest of your summer. Because you'd be spending it dead. And dead people hate summer. 

That's why, as yet another community service I'm providing free of charge to you filthy ingrates, I'm providing you with these Safety Tips for the Days of Summer. From here on out we'll refer to them as STDS. Are you ready to get some? Then come on!

Hiking: Hiking is exactly like walking except with more trees and less of a purpose. Since most hiking occurs in the woods, and that's where animals live, you need to protect yourself from all the rogue beaver attacks and chipmunk maulings. I'm pretty sure that's what happens in the woods, right? Anywho, if you're going hiking you need to arm yourself with two things: an air horn and as many guns as you can carry. Alternate between blasting the air horn to scare away the more jittery critters of the forest, and firing blindly with your gun. If you're lucky, you'll kill the wombat or pterasaurus that was getting ready to eat you. If you're unlucky, well, wombats gotta eat too.

Boating: Boating is a great way to somewhat legally drink and drive, all while letting everyone around you know that you're a douchebag. That's 2 birds with 1 stone, people!

Or is that 2 birds ON 1 stone? Either way.

But as everyone knows, there's one huge risk you face when boating: Lake monsters. According to the History Channel, they're in pretty much every lake. I have to admit that I'm not entirely sure how to protect yourself against a lake monster, but dynamite never hurts. Unless you get blown up by it. Then it hurts a lot.

Camping: Camping is when well-off people spend thousands of dollars on equipment to feel homeless for a couple of days. You can even combine it with hiking if you like to carry heavy things for long distances. My only real knowledge of camping is what I've seen in movies and on TV, and from that I have learned one very clear thing: Don't go camping. You're basically guaranteed to be gruesomely murdered by machete wielding madmen or Blair Witches or some other horrific creature.

Like this hideous monster.

My advice is to stay home.

Grilling: I can't think of a better way to spend a hot, humid summer evening then standing over an open flame and cooking something that you could have just as easily cooked inside where the air-conditioned air lives. As with any type of cooking, the biggest danger is food poisoning. Food poisoning happens when the soul of the animal you just ate haunts your stomach. Luckily, animal ghosts can be easily banished by thoroughly cooking them. 2 to 3 hours with the grill on high heat should be enough to cook away even the most stubborn of chicken spirits.

I still see a little pink. Better give it another 45 minutes.

Fireworks: Fireworks are how rednecks let others know that they're available for mating. Honestly, I can't think of anything dangerous about fireworks. Have fun you three-fingered hicks!

Now that I've given you all numerous STDS, there shouldn't be anything stopping you from having a great summer. But if you pass any of these STDS on to other people, just remember to let them know you got it from me. Credit where credit is due, people.

Excuses, Excuses.

Once again, I find myself overdue for getting a post up. I had a great idea all lined up, and was just about to start writing, when I discovered that Lifetime has back-to-back episodes of Reba on right now.

That Barbra Jean sure cracks me up.

Well, needless to say, I'm only human. That's just too much entertainment to pass up. And I'm sure after the shows are over I'll want to sit quietly in my room with the TV off and reflect on the lessons Reba has just taught me. At least if past experience is any indication. 

Guess that new post will have to wait. I'm sure you'll manage. Somehow.