FAQs about Undocumented Facts: Meet the Johnsons!

Welcome to a new feature on the blog - FAQs about Undocumented Facts! In these posts I will attempt to answer the myriad of hard-hitting questions I get asked by you, the readers.

Well, "myriad" might be a bit of a stretch. I'm pretty much only asked 3 questions in relation to the blog: "Was that supposed to be funny?", "Oh, you're still doing the blogging thing?" and "Why are you like this?" In the inaugural installment of FAQAUF (pronounced "Fak-Off") I'll be tackling the third question.

I can't think of a better way to explain why I am the way I am than by introducing all of you to my family. Once you "meet" them I think it'll clear up a lot of things.

First up is my mom and dad, Linda and Tom. They used to both work in the banking industry, but now spend their time solving mysteries in New England with a talking cat. As you can probably tell I inherited my height from my mom and my sense of humor and athletic ability from my dad.

These are my brothers Grant and Gary. They're conjoined twins. Grant is the taller one with a bit of a hunchback. Gary is the "wild child" of the pair with a minor skin problem. Grant is a personal trainer at a YWCA in Indianapolis. Gary works customer service for United Airlines at the Cincinnati Airport. From what I hear their commute is a bit of a bitch.

These are my sister-wives. To be honest with you, I'm really bad with names and I think they all look alike, so I have no idea who's who. I'm pretty sure one of their names is Cassie. I think they all have jobs, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details. As any guy can tell you, it's pretty hard keeping track of 3 sister-wives. And before any of you conservative religious types get your panties in bunch - relax. "Sister-wives" is just an expression. They're not really sisters.

This is Bob. About a week after we moved into our house we discovered Bob in the attic, living in a nest he had made out of insulation and hats from the 1920s. We haven't been able to get him to leave, so we pretty much just adopted him. He's harmless, as long as you don't bring up Woodrow Wilson.

You've already met my dog, Ace, in previous posts. What most people don't know is that he's the webmaster of the Minneapolis "Team Jacob" fan club. He's such a smart doggie.

And that all leads to your host - me. This picture was taken the day before I entered a Jeff Foxworthy Look-a-Like contest. I came in third. Git 'r' done!

Well, that's my family. Hopefully it gives all of you a little insight into what makes me the amazingly brilliant and hilarious person I am.

I hope you all enjoyed the first installment of FAQs about Undocumented Facts! If you have any questions you'd like answered in a future post, leave them in the comments.