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| Look at all those lazy bastards. |
And this one even ties in with my last post. It's like I had it planned out all along. In fact, forget that I just admitted that I hadn't planned it in advance. Because I totally did. This blog is an intricately laid out puzzle, and I already know what all the pieces are.
Ok, enough of that crap. Let's get to the column. Huzzah!
[***DISCLAIMER*** The contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you and any small animals in your immediate area. This is supposed to be humor, leave it at that.]
Extreme Sports for Only Three Dollars a Day!
Extreme Sports.
It’s a phrase that can’t be escaped nowadays. Trying to plug into the activities of the so-called “Gen-Xers,” the media has become obsessed with extreme sports. And why not? They may not be the safest things in the world to partake in, but damn does it look cool.
There’s just one problem. Doing these things ain’t cheap. Take skydiving for instance. The cost for even one jump can be enormous. As usual, I have done absolutely no research on the matter, but I would have to think that a single skydiving jump costs somewhere in the range of twenty to thirty thousand dollars. Per minute.
Now except for the very few of you who live off of mommy and daddy’s trust fund, that’s just too much damn money to pay. A round-trip airline ticket is about $350. Skydiving you don’t even get all the way through the flight before you jump out of the damn thing. You think it would be cheaper. But it’s not.
“I guess I’m doomed to live a VH-1 lifestyle in an MTV world,” you may be muttering to yourself right now. If you are, stop it. It’s scaring the cats. But have no fear. There are ways to participate in these BMW sports on a Yugo budget. As always, I have all the answers.
Let’s start with rock climbing. Seems like it would be pretty cheap, doesn’t it? You find a big rock, then you climb it, then you fall, then you spend some time in the hospital, and then you go out and try it again. Should be pretty basic.
Believe me, it’s not that easy. Those ropes alone cost around eight million dollars. I’m not exaggerating. Then there’s the rock portion of the equation. If you’re like me, the closest thing you have to a mountain where you live is the pile of dirty underwear in the corner of your room. But, you guessed it, I have an alternative solution.
First thing you have to do is realize that just because its called “rock climbing,” does not mean you actually have to have rocks. Simply find the nearest stucco home in your neighborhood. If you’re having trouble finding one, drive through any housing development that was built in the late eighties/early nineties. Chances are they’re all stucco.
Once you’ve found the home, it’s time to start climbing. It may be best to wait until the occupants are away, however. They may get a little irritated when you start driving spikes into the side of their home to tie your ropes onto.
Another popular Extreme Sport is bungee jumping. As ridiculous as it may seem, jumping off a bridge with a rubber band around your ankle is supposed to be quite fun. Once again, though, the price is steep. Most of us working stiffs could never afford the equipment.
I know what you’re all thinking. “You’ve already given us the answer, Adam. Rubber bands!” Sorry, that’s wrong. Thanks for playing. We have a lovely home version for you on the way out.
Think about it, wrapping enough rubber bands together to make a bungee cord would take . . . well, several minutes at least, if not more. There is an easier way.
All you need is about a dozen of those sheets that you use to cover your mattress. You know what I’m talking about, the ones with the elastic around the edge that hug ever so tightly against your Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. Tie them all together, attach one end to a bridge, and off you go. Oh yeah, make sure you tie one end to your ankle as well. I had an uncle that forgot to do that once and, well, let’s just say he’s gotta unzip his fly to see who he’s talking to.
And what about my first example, skydiving? Simple. Book yourself a flight that travels over a body of water. You’ve all been swimming. You know how soft water is. I’m sure hitting it at 200 miles an hour changes nothing.
“That’s great, Adam. Now I can partake in the Extreme Sports I’ve always been too cheap to do before. But I still look like an inbred moron while doing it. Can you help?”
Who said that? No matter, they bring up an excellent point. It’s not enough to just participate in these almost-certainly-fatal activities. You have to look the part as well. That can be accomplished with just one word. Tattoos.
That’s right, gobs and gobs of tattoos over every square inch of your body will make you look as if you were born in a Volkswagen commercial. But once again, tattoos aren’t cheap. They’re not all that expensive either, but since you’re a bunch of penny-pinching bastards, there’s no way you’re going to pony up the dough needed to get one done professionally.
But despite what most medical experts and people with a positive IQ might say, you can do it yourself. All you need is a pack of multi-colored ball point pens. Simply jab the tip of the pen into the desired area of you body over and over. Make sure you do it hard enough to pierce the skin. There may be a lot of blood at first, but you’ll get past that in no time.
It is a good idea to have at least a notion of what you want the tattoo to look like before you start, though. It’s most likely going to end up a big infected blotch of skin anyways, but the least you can do is make it a good looking infected blotch of skin.
So if you want to live a Mountain Dew lifestyle on a Shasta Mountain Mist budget, simply follow the advice I have given here. But when you end up hospitalized, incarcerated, or deceased, tell them you learned it all from Martha Stewart. I’m sure she would have given the same tips if she had thought about it.
Next time: Something stupider!
Adam Johnson moonlights as a so-called “legitimate” writer, having a dozen short stories published in various small-press horror zines. If you want a taste of his fiction, go to http://members.fortunecity.com/jazzbo7/ and take a peek. If you have any suggestions for future columns, or would like to send Adam professions of your undying love, email him at jazzbo7@hotmail.com. Send reports of injuries from following Adam’s advice to you_are_a_dumbass@idiot.net.
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