Why another old column, you ask? Well, other than the obvious "Historic Preservation" aspect of it, the answer is simple. I wanted to get a post up, but not take the time to actually write one.
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| And these day old fries won't eat themselves. |
So once again, my laziness is humanity's gain. You're welcome, everybody in the world.
[***DISCLAIMER*** The contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you and any small animals in your immediate area. This is supposed to be humor, leave it at that.]
Money Making for the Mentally Incompetent
Money.
We all want it, but we don’t got it. It’s a tale as old as the hills themselves, or at least the hills that were formed at about the same time the first currency was created. No matter how hard you work, you never seem to be able to get ahead. The Man is always keeping you down.
And as if it’s not hard enough already to make some cash, let’s just be blunt and admit the rest of it. You’re stupid. If you weren’t you’d be reading the Wall Street Journal or dabbling in junk bonds right now. Instead you’re reading an article with “For Stupid People” right in the title. Need I say more?
Smart people are struggling with their financial woes. There’s no way an average idiot such as you or me can hope to strike it big.
BZZZZ!!! Sorry, that’s wrong. Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
As I’m sure most of you (2 of the 3 people that read these articles) have already guessed, as always, I have all the answers.
There’s plenty of ways to get some major scratch in a short period of time. And the beauty of it is you don’t need to be a rocket scientist, or a toll booth operator for that matter, to pull them off. Simply follow one of my patented Get Rich Quick schemes, and you’ll be like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. (I’m referring to that scene where she’s rolling around in all the money. Duh.)
One of the quickest and easiest ways to make money is by selling something. The more the other person wants the item, the more they will be willing to pay for it. And what item could a person want more than an internal organ.
That’s right, there are plenty of people out there that could use one of the organs that you really don’t need. Just sell one that you have two of, but really only need one. Such as a kidney, retina, lung, hand, or heart, (that last one only applies to you few, rare people with two hearts.) Not only would you be getting rid of an organ that is merely taking up space in your body cavity, but you’ll get some major dough in the process. Not a bad deal.
Another way to get some fast cash is to stage a fake kidnapping. Simply pretend that you’ve been kidnapped, then mail your parents or another wealthy relative a ransom note. Make sure you tell them not to call the cops. If they do that, you’re screwed.
This next one is pretty much just for the guys. Find four male friends who are as brain dead and desperate for cash as you are. Grow a bad goatee, learn three dance steps, and form a boy band. It’s a surefire success. Don’t worry about learning how to sing or play an instrument. None of the current boy bands can do that either and they’re making mad cash.
Here’s something to think about. The porn industry is a several hundred billion dollar cash cow. There’s got to be a way to get a cut of that. I’ll let you come up with your own method.
Of course, you can always get into crime and drugs. But since avoiding police detection is a major factor to deal with, it would probably be too complicated. I’d stick to something easier.
If you follow any of the ideas I’ve listed above, you owe me money. I told you they were patented. But after sending me a check, feel free to try any of the suggestions I’ve mentioned here. Within weeks, if not seconds, your money problems should disappear. And if they don’t, you can always do what everyone else in the country does. Sue somebody.
Next Time: Something equally stupid!
Adam Johnson spends his days tiptoeing through the tulips. At night he weeps silently. He also moonlights as a so-called “legitimate” writer, having a dozen short stories published in various small-press horror zines, as well as a chapbook coming out in the next year. If you want a taste of his fiction, go to http://members.fortunecity.com/jazzbo7/ and take a peek.
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