Undocumented Facts: 2011 Year in Review

Hey, remember when I used to do posts called Undocumented Facts that would reveal truths and information that had never been documented before, thereby giving this blog its name? Me either.

The end of the year is upon us. Pretty much every website in the world is publishing their "Year in Review" columns this week, going over notable news stories, music, movies, people and whatnot from the past year. Since every blog is already doing this I thought I would do something different to stand out from the crowd. Then I changed my mind and decided to do the same thing everyone else is doing.

Hooray, conformity!

So here it is, 2011 in review, Undocumented Facts style. Get pumped, nimrods!

Pictured: A pumped nimrod.

- January: The Washington Monument was dismantled and rebuilt exactly the same except one inch shorter in order to be more anatomically correct.

The bill to rename it the "Wang-ington Monument" was narrowly out-voted.

- March: Due to the success of their "Double Down" sandwich, KFC releases a new sandwich called "All or Nothing" that consists of mashed potatoes and gravy between 2 pieces of fried chicken skin. It does not do as well.

- March: It is revealed that beloved actor Sir Ian McKellen doesn't really exist, and has just been an elaborate prank played by unemployed plumber Joe Kowalski from New Jersey.

"It was funny to me. Maybe you had to be there."

- June: Tired of the continual mocking of its name, Peru officially changes the name of Lake Titicaca to Lake Boobieshit.

 - July: I finally went to therapy to get to the root of my long-standing fear of clowns. Turns out I'm afraid of them because clowns are just really fucking scary.

Seriously. Fuck clowns.

- September: Comedian Yakov Smirnoff announced he would retire from his nightly performance gig in Branson, MO, after performing every night for 23 years straight to a completely empty theater.

"In Soviet Russia, jokes tell you! I'm so lonely."

- November: Undocumented Facts is sued by the entire internet for false advertising over its tagline "The most important blog in the world." In a landmark decision, the judge rules that Undocumented Facts truly is the most important blog in the world, and everyone else is just being whiny suck-tards.

Bite me, internet!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Merry Christmas from Ace - The Grumpy Elf!

Who's excited about Christmas? This guy is!

Get that camera out of my face.

He's so filled with the Christmas spirit. What a good dog.

I'm not fucking around here. Get it out of my face!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

A 3rd Grade Christmas Poem

Christmas is almost here! 

Seriously, I just realized that Christmas is almost here. How did that happen? I haven't bought shit yet. Looks like I'm making an extra trip to the Dollar Store.

Everyone likes knock-off ovulation kits, right?

Since my plate is obviously full, I don't have time to write up a full post. Luckily, I just happened to be going through my archives and came across the following Christmas poem that I wrote in 3rd grade. 

Well, "wrote" maybe isn't quite as accurate as "modified." And it's probably because of that distinction that I got an F on it when I turned it in as a writing assignment. OK, again, that's not totally accurate. We didn't actually use letter grades in elementary school, so I got the equivalent of an F, which was a Frowny-Face Minus.

The system was tough but fair.

So here it is. Despite the fact that I wrote this when I was 8, I think my now patented™ sense of humor remains more or less the same. Enjoy!

A Funny Christmas Poem
by Adam T. Johnson - age 8


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the BUTT
Not a creature was stirring, not even a FART;
The BOOGERS were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that MICHAEL JACKSON soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their FEET,
While visions of LIMA BEANS danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's POOP,

When out on the lawn there arose such a EXPLOSION,
I DANCED from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a PENGUIN,
Tore open the shutters and threw up MY BREAKFAST.

When, what to my wondering BUTT should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny E.T.'S,

With a little old driver, so STUPID and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be HALL AND OATES.
More rapid than SNAILS his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DORKER! now, JERKER! now, PUNCHER and BLINKY!
On, RUBIK! on GAYWAD! on, DUMBER and PAC-MAN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away JERK-FACES!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little WEINER.
As I SPIT in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney BOY GEORGE came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with HAMBURGERS and POOP;
A bundle of ROCKS he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a GAS STATION ATTENDANT just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his NOSTRILS how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his ELBOW like a cherry!
His droll little ARMPIT was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his BUTT was as white as the snow;

The stump of a BASEBALL BAT he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a IDIOT;
He had a broad face and a SMELLY round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of SNOT.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the UNDERWEAR; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his ANTLERS,
And giving a nod, up the MONKEY BARS he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his BOOBS gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of OPTIMUS PRIME.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
MERRY BUTTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FART!

Hopefully these people don't have very good lawyers.

Yep, even as an 8 year-old, I definitely had it. Those jokes are timeless.

FAQs about Undocumented Facts: Meet the Johnsons!

Welcome to a new feature on the blog - FAQs about Undocumented Facts! In these posts I will attempt to answer the myriad of hard-hitting questions I get asked by you, the readers.

Well, "myriad" might be a bit of a stretch. I'm pretty much only asked 3 questions in relation to the blog: "Was that supposed to be funny?", "Oh, you're still doing the blogging thing?" and "Why are you like this?" In the inaugural installment of FAQAUF (pronounced "Fak-Off") I'll be tackling the third question.

I can't think of a better way to explain why I am the way I am than by introducing all of you to my family. Once you "meet" them I think it'll clear up a lot of things.

First up is my mom and dad, Linda and Tom. They used to both work in the banking industry, but now spend their time solving mysteries in New England with a talking cat. As you can probably tell I inherited my height from my mom and my sense of humor and athletic ability from my dad.

These are my brothers Grant and Gary. They're conjoined twins. Grant is the taller one with a bit of a hunchback. Gary is the "wild child" of the pair with a minor skin problem. Grant is a personal trainer at a YWCA in Indianapolis. Gary works customer service for United Airlines at the Cincinnati Airport. From what I hear their commute is a bit of a bitch.

These are my sister-wives. To be honest with you, I'm really bad with names and I think they all look alike, so I have no idea who's who. I'm pretty sure one of their names is Cassie. I think they all have jobs, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details. As any guy can tell you, it's pretty hard keeping track of 3 sister-wives. And before any of you conservative religious types get your panties in bunch - relax. "Sister-wives" is just an expression. They're not really sisters.

This is Bob. About a week after we moved into our house we discovered Bob in the attic, living in a nest he had made out of insulation and hats from the 1920s. We haven't been able to get him to leave, so we pretty much just adopted him. He's harmless, as long as you don't bring up Woodrow Wilson.

You've already met my dog, Ace, in previous posts. What most people don't know is that he's the webmaster of the Minneapolis "Team Jacob" fan club. He's such a smart doggie.

And that all leads to your host - me. This picture was taken the day before I entered a Jeff Foxworthy Look-a-Like contest. I came in third. Git 'r' done!

Well, that's my family. Hopefully it gives all of you a little insight into what makes me the amazingly brilliant and hilarious person I am.

I hope you all enjoyed the first installment of FAQs about Undocumented Facts! If you have any questions you'd like answered in a future post, leave them in the comments.

My 2nd Shortest Story Ever

Unlike most times when I post something I wrote almost ten years ago, I'm not doing it today because I have no ideas and/or I'm feeling rather Danish. I actually have 2 different ideas for posts, but both need a little more work before I'm willing to put them up. The fact that I actually put work into any of my posts is probably shocking to most of you, but it's true.

Really. It is.

No, seriously. Stop looking at me like that!

Anywho, since I already posted my shortest story ever published, I figured I'd post my 2nd shortest story ever published. I originally wrote this for a flash-fiction contest with a Western theme. As I mentioned previously, flash-fiction usually refers to a story of 500 words or less. This story is exactly 500 words, minus the title. Surprisingly enough, I won the contest. But being that this was a small press horror publication we're talking about, it not-very-surprisingly folded before my story ever saw the light of day. Luckily a year or so later I got it published in Shadowkeep Zine, which was an on-line horror magazine.

So that's the not-very-interesting story behind this story. Hopefully next week I'll get around to actually posting something original. And if we're all lucky, it might even be funny! I wouldn't hold your breath on that last part, though.

The Horror of the Blake Mine

“Jeb, bring that lantern over here!” Billy yelled.

            Jeb scurried up, hunched over because of the low ceiling in the shaft.

            “You see something?” Jeb asked. They had been in the mine for hours and hadn’t seen anything worthwhile.

            “No, I can’t see anything because you got the light so damn far away! Now try to keep up.”

            Grumbling quietly, Jeb continued to follow Billy further into the mine. They had come out to California a few months earlier. There was a gold rush going on, and they wanted in on it. But their horses fell ill en-route and had to be put down. By the time the two of them made it to California they had been beaten out by several thousand other prospectors.

            They wandered around for a while, trying to stake a claim, knowing that all the good ones were taken. Then word came of the Blake Mine. Supposedly the mine was full of gold, but no one that had ever tried to remove it had gotten out alive. Desperate and broke, Jeb and Billy decided they were going to ignore the superstition. If the rumors were even half-true, they’d both be rich for life.

            The mine started narrowing drastically, until it was no more than two feet high.

            “Looks like we’re gonna have to crawl,” Billy whispered. Jeb nodded wordlessly. He was starting to get a bad feeling about this, but couldn’t place why.

            Taking the lantern from Jeb, Billy got on his hands and knees and began to crawl. Whispering a brief prayer, Jeb followed.

            After a short period of time, the mine opened up into a large room. Billy stood and let the light from the lantern play off the walls. The sight caused both men to stare in silent awe for several minutes.

            The walls were filled with gold. Veins of the precious mineral criss-crossed all sides of the cavern. Millions of dollars worth of gold had to be in this room.

            “Holy shit,” Billy whispered as he moved over to one of the walls. “It’s beautiful,” he said as he ran his fingers delicately over the gold. “Simply beautiful.”

            Suddenly Billy began to scream, dropping the lantern to the ground. Jeb looked in horror as he saw the gold start to flow over Billy’s hand and arm. The smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils as Billy continued to wail.

            Within seconds the gold had spread to Billy’s face and chest. His screams suddenly stopped as his mouth filled with the burning substance. Jeb stared wordlessly as his friend dissolved before his eyes.

            Jeb’s paralysis finally broke. He turned and ran for the entrance to the room. In the fading light he could see the gold shoot out like webs from the walls. One strand grabbed his arm, burning his flesh as it did so.

            A few minutes later nothing remained save the lantern. It slowly burned out in the empty cavern, the only witness to the horror of the Blake Mine.

Comic Cover Cavalcade

Welcome to the first Komic Kover Kavalcade. Or KK-wait, forget that. I think I better switch those "K"s back to "C"s.

And probably should leave this cover out of the post.

I'm feeling lazy and short of ideas once again, so I decided to go with a post that's only a fraction less lazy than posting something I wrote 10 years ago. That's right, it's a post of funny comic book covers! There's only like 12,435 posts like this on the internet. I'm a trailblazer in that fashion. But I'm betting most of you don't frequent too many comic book blogs, so there's a chance they'll be new to you.

These covers are some of the most common ones people make jokes about. Once you see them, I think you'll see why.

This one cracks me up, because even though Archie is only a few feet away from the other guys, he's only ankle deep in the water and they're waist deep. What's up with that? Are those guys in a hole? Is Archie Jesus? Or was he just being a jerk? It's so wacky.

I love the look that guy is giving the kid. He's totally rubbing it in that even though he's a perfectly healthy adult he's making that little kid carry that huge log. Good stuff.

Ha! That kid's so fat he broke the tricycle, and Little Lulu doesn't even know. She's still pumping her butt off trying to pedal. That's crazy!

Right, like Archie has enough money to afford to give anyone a pearl necklace. He's not Richie Rich! The first time I saw this I almost spewed my drink all over the screen. Luckily I swallowed first.

I hope you enjoyed these innocently humorous comic covers. I sure enjoyed putting almost no work in to show them to you.

That's what she said!

Self-Esteem Booster

At some time or another, every single one of us feels fat. It doesn't matter if you're 6' 2", 135 lbs with negative 15% body fat. Once in a while you're going to feel overweight.

This weekend I followed up Thanksgiving dinner by eating at a buffet for the next 3 days straight. I'm pretty sure I consumed somewhere around 57,000 calories in a 4 day period. Luckily I did it while I was at a casino in Wisconsin. And let me tell you, no matter how fat I felt and how much I ate, all I had to do was look around to feel better about myself.

This is what the entire casino looked like.

Sure, I lost hundreds of dollars over the course of the weekend, but it was worth it to secretly judge people that are much, much fatter than I am. A few hundred bucks seems like a small price to pay. Plus, where else can you do that?

Other than everywhere in America, according to this chart.

As much of a self-esteem boost as the casino was, you know what would be an even bigger boost to my fragile ego? If you people would BUY MY BOOK. Seriously. I pretty much know every person that has purchased a copy so far, and chances are you aren't one of them.

There's 3 good reasons you should buy my book: 

1) It's only 99 cents.

2) It's a pretty damn good read, if I do say so myself.

3) I need sales in order to make sales. My book won't show up in other people's recommendations or "People who purchase ______ also purchased ____" type links unless I have enough sales to start popping up. So for the low, low price of 99 cents you can help my book get noticed by other potential buyers.

It's available both through the Kindle and Nook stores, and if you're reading this blog you have a device that you can read the book on. So give it a shot. And then write a review, because that helps attract more buyers, too. After all the priceless tips and information I've given you for free on this blog, it's really the least you can do.

Thanksgiving - Hilarious Style!

By the time you read this, it most likely either will be or already has been Thanksgiving. I thought as a nice treat for my readers leading into this long holiday weekend I would find a funny picture to post to start your weekend on the right foot. Little did I know what the internet had in store for me. And by extension, for us all.

Seriously. Wait until you guys see the hilarious Thanksgiving related pictures I've found. I might just have to shut down my blog after this, because on my best day I can't touch this stuff.

Are you ready? For real. You're probably going to piss yourself laughing if you don't stop at the bathroom first. I'll wait.

Back? Sweet. Let's get started!

That turkey has better penmanship than I do.

Oh, shit. That still cracks me up. Because usually on Thanksgiving people eat turkey, but this turkey doesn't want to be eaten, so he's telling people to eat ham. Which is made from pigs! In this world where animals apparently can write, and I assume also think, in English, he doesn't care if you murder and eat someone else as long as it's not him. That's hilarious!

Normally this one picture would be more comedy than any of us need in a single day. I couldn't believe I had never seen it before. So imagine my surprise when I realized there's more.

Advocating the murder of others to save yourself. I salute you, brave turkey.

It's like the same hilarious joke as before, but this time telling people to eat a different part of the pigs! Pigs still aren't turkeys! That is so great.

There's no way it can get better, can it?

It most certainly can.

Holy shit it's moving! I didn't know pictures could do that.

Ladies.

Now they're going after cows! What can stop these wacky, murderous turkeys?

Other than really crappy drawings, that is.

Oh, snap! Take that, turkey! Or should I say . . . jive turkey?! I shouldn't? Ok, forget that part.

And now let's hear from the hippies.

I have to admit, I didn't find this last one quite as funny. I know the joke is more or less the same as the others, but it just doesn't have that special something. Maybe "local" isn't as funny because it's not another animal the turkeys want you to kill instead of them.

Well, my sides are hurting, and I'm sure yours are too. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my blog. If you're looking for yet more Thanksgiving treats to get you through the weekend, why not buy my book from either here or here? It's only 99 cents! And totally related to Thanksgiving. Spend the buck and you'll see.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Crazy for Collections

Any of you that know me are probably aware that I'm a bit of a collector. Or at least you're aware that I own a ton of crap, which I try to convince people (mainly my wife) are "collectibles."

I'm not quite at "Hoarders" level, but probably closer than most of you are.

Over the years I've collected tons of different items. Some I was into for years, some only a couple of days before I got bored with it.

Right now, I'm pretty much down to 3 collections. The one that is probably most obvious to visitors of my house would be memorabilia from The Simpsons.

This is an actual shot of my home office. Ladies.

The next are Ace Doubles paperbacks. They're Sci-Fi and Fantasy books from the 60s and 70s that are flip books containing 2 full novels. I got them mainly because the covers are great, but there's also some fun stuff to read in there.

And the inspiration for more than one Best/Bad Book Cover. B3C for my homies in the back!

By far my biggest, and longest running, collection is comic books. 

Most of them are NKOTB comics. Ladies.

I have more comics than I know what to do with. I have more comics than most people even knew existed. I have more comics than a grown man should have without being embarrassed. 

Yet I'm not embarrassed. Partly because I think there's nothing to be embarrassed about collecting and reading comics, and anyone that thinks so is ill-informed and close-minded. And partly because that's not even close to the most embarrassing thing I've ever collected.

That would be my collection of ceramic animal miniatures.

Dear Lord, I wish I were joking. Ladies.

As a kid, I was into these. I owned dozens of them. Dogs, ducks, frogs, bears. It didn't really matter what animal it was, just that it was small and ceramic. Apparently when I grew up I wanted to be someone's elderly aunt that lives alone with her cats. I got most of these from this weird, tiny shop up by our cabin that was run by a guy that nowadays would probably have to go door to door anytime he moved into a new neighborhood.

This guy knows what I mean.

I probably shouldn't have told people about that. Too bad I haven't learned how to tell the Korean woman I transcribe my posts to to delete things. Such is life.

That's my collection of collections, both embarrassing and non. What are yours? Put them in the comments. I might not even make fun of you.*

* I almost certainly will make fun of you. But post anyways! It can't be worse than ceramic animals bought from a child molester.

My Shortest Story Ever

Once again I need to get a post up and I have absolutely no ideas. I blame it on my car getting broken into. Seems reasonable.

Anyway, instead of throwing up another Reckless Activities for Stupid People column, I decided to do something a little bit different with my laziness.

So here is the shortest story I've ever had published. I submitted it for a "micro-fiction" contest way back in 1999. "Micro-fiction" in this case meant a story with a beginning, middle and end, all in less than 100 words. I was one of the three winners for the contest, and the story was published in a magazine called "Quicker" back in the winter of 99/00. It was a magazine devoted to flash-fiction, which usually is defined as stories of less than 500 words. I'm pretty sure for winning I got my story published in a magazine with a circulation in the low triple digits, and probably one free copy of said magazine.

My story is entitled "Tag," and including the title clocks in at 96 words. If you've got 7 seconds to spare, give it a read.

TAG

The sweat trickled down Jack’s face and neck as he crashed through the woods at top speed. Branches and thorns tore at his skin and clothing, but he ignored them. He didn’t want to be It.

            Jack had always hated playing tag. Especially with Brett. Brett could be so brutal, so cruel. And today was worse than ever.

            A branch tripped Jack and he crashed to the ground. He turned in horror as he heard footsteps behind him. Brett stood there, grinning maniacally.

            “Tag, you’re it,” Brett said as he raised the gun and fired.

Poor Ashton

As you may have heard, Ashton Kutcher got into a little trouble when he tweeted in support of fired coach Joe Paterno, supposedly without knowing that Paterno got fired because he had covered up that one of his coaches liked to rape children.

Sorry...Oops.

It was a stupid thing for Ashton to say, but digging through his old tweets I discovered it wasn't the first time he's spoken out before knowing the whole story. I copied a few of them below.

       - Heard New Orleans finally got some much needed rain. Can't wait for Mardi Gras!!! #hurricanekatrina

       - @OJSimpson: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

       - @LarryCraig: Saw you today at MPLS airport. Sure were in the bathroom a long time. I can relate. #badthaifood

       - Just saw "Dark Knight." Can't wait to see the Joker in the sequel. #whysoserious?

       - @RobertBlake: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

       - Can't believe they fired @MikeVick. They're treating him like a dog.

       - @Sidvicious: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

It's ok, Ashton. We all still love you.

How can we stay mad at anyone so dreamy?

So Much Meat

About two weeks ago for our first anniversary, my wife and I went to dinner at a restaurant that she described to me as a Brazilian meat buffet.

(Surprisingly, when you Google "Brazilian Meat Buffet" it is not a slang term for some disgusting, filthy sex act. Let's see if we can change that. Leave your ideas in the comments.)

Whatever's going on behind this picture is only as filthy as your imagination.

Two weeks later, I'm still full.

It was great, but seriously, I ate so much meat...

"How much meat did you eat?"

I ate so much meat that Ted Nugent swore off hunting for life.

Wango zee Tango, indeed.

I ate so much meat that PETA sent me a letter that simply said "You win."

I ate so much meat I had to change the eye color on my drivers license to "beef."

I ate so much meat that three days later I pooped a live cow.

At least I can use the carpool lane now.

What I'm trying to say is I ate a lot of meat.

Buy My Book!

If I could, I would have this playing constantly in the background when you come to this page. Be thankful I don't know enough about html to do that.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. Buy my book!

That's right. My long out of print, bestselling* debut novella is now available once again. This time in electronic form! It's like some kind of future book.

Lifetimes of Blood, with a wonderful new cover by Kory Kolvig, is now available through the Amazon Kindle store for the low, low price of $0.99. You read that correctly; less than a buck!

And I must say, it looks pretty damn cool on the Kindle. Nothing can quite compare to the feeling I got the first time I held a physical copy of this book in my hands, (over 10 years ago now. Damn.) But this comes pretty close. Kory's cover still looks cool in the grayscale of the Kindle, and the rest of the package came through just as I wanted it to. I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with this book -  both the writing and the presentation.

In case you're unaware, or the title and cover don't make it clear, Lifetimes of Blood is not like the "writing" I do here on the blog. It's a horror story, and fairly gory and graphic in parts. It would definitely be a rated "R" movie. Here's the description that's on amazon.com:

Immortal Enemies...
Homeless people gutted on the streets of New York at the turn of the century...soldiers left in compromising positions with their throats slit in World War II London...high school athletes tortured for days in the Heartland of America in recent times. Scores of murders, spanning even a greater number of years. And all with one horrifying, disturbing, evil connection: a man named Jonas.

But now, after one hundred years, The Other One is finally closing in on Jonas. Can he put an end to an evil that has lasted for over a century? Or will Jonas yet again escape to spread his particular brand of terror for untold years to come?

 Doesn't that sound exciting? And did I mention it's only 99 cents?

Seriously, if you have a Kindle, you should give it a try. If you don't have a Kindle, you can get a free Kindle app for any computer, Mac, smart phone, tablet or other device here. The app is free, so you've got no reason not to. Also, if you are going to buy it, I'd appreciate if you use one of the links I've included in this post, or the window on the right of the blog. That way I get a few extra pennies.

So go buy my book! If you like it, I'd really love it if you just take a few seconds and give it a review on Amazon. Hell, even if you don't like it give it a review.  Books that have numerous reviews sell better than books with one or two.

And in case I haven't said it yet, it's only $0.99! That's practically free. The next time you're in line at the gas station or grocery store, just skip buying a candy bar and you've already made the money back. Plus you'll save yourself a couple hundred calories and won't be one step closer to diabetes. So buying my book can actually save your life. It's a fact!**

Just buy the damn thing already. I'd do it for you.


*It was the bestselling book I've ever had published. So this is technically true.

**This is almost certainly not a fact. Who cares? Buy my book!

Happy Halloween!

For your Weeny treat, here's two tall guys in dressed up in tiny, tight shorts.

At least I think they're both wearing shorts.

Although I'm pretty sure at least one of them was hoping you'd pick "Trick."

Undocumented Facts is on the Kindle!

I've been hearing an awful lot about this "Kindle" thing lately. Until recently, I had been mishearing people that mentioned it, and wondered why everyone was all of a sudden so interested in hobos.

Look it up.

But after receiving one last weekend, I discovered it's actually a device that lets you read things on it. Who knew? And guess what else I discovered? You can have your blog available to read through the Kindle. And even better, you make people pay for it! Trust me, as soon as I found that out I signed up right away.

So now, fellow Kindle owners, you can have Undocumented Facts beamed directly into your Kindle (and no, that's not a double entendre.) Why read this blog for free, and in color, when you can pay $0.99 a month and read it like this:

Ye olde timey blogg.

Seriously, it's only 99 cents a month. And you get to try it for 14 days for free. Just go here to give it a look. If you do want to subscribe, I'd appreciate if you use the Amazon gadget on the right side of the page to do so, because then I get a couple more cents. And if you don't want to subscribe, but like my blog, then why don't you leave me a good review? If you don't want to subscribe, and hate my blog, you can still leave me a review. That way people won't think I just reviewed it myself over and over with different accounts.

UPDATE: When I initially posted this, I didn't even consider the fact that on the Kindle you can turn on "Text to Speech" and have a robot voice read whatever's on the screen to you. Listening to the Kindle robot say "bastards," "H-dubby-dub" and "He will hook the shit out of you" is well worth 99 cents on it's own. For real, if you own a Kindle, or have a Kindle app that includes text to speech, at least subscribe for the free 2 week trial so you can here a funny robot swear. Unless I'm the only one that finds that kind of thing funny.

And if that's the case, I don't know if I want to live in this world anymore.

5 Bad Last-Minute Trick-or-Treat Ideas

Weeny is less than a week away. If you're anything like me, or the average Danish person, you're too lazy to go out and buy candy for the trick-or-treaters ahead of time. After all, you've got almost a week still, right? But next thing you know the doorbell rings and you realize H-dub is here and you don't have any candy in the house.

Shit, I don't have these kind of treats either.

In a blind panic, you're bound to grab the nearest small item and throw it in the bags just outside your door, in the hopes that the little bastards holding those bags will go away. And that would be a huge mistake.

Remember when I referred to the trick-or-treaters as "bastards"? You should. It's literally like a half an inch above this line. I'm worried for you if you forgot already. Anyway, they're bastards for a reason. Give them something crappy and you're in for a night of rotten eggs, flaming bags of poo, and police responding to falsified complaints of you exposing yourself to the children. But don't worry, my crack staff of H-weeny experts have come up with the most likely items to bring down the wrath of today's asshole trick-or-treaters. 

But wait, there's more! I'm not just going to tell you what not to give. I've come up with replacement ideas that every child that shows up at your house and demands free stuff should enjoy. My award winning* advice is yours, absolutely free**, after the jump.

Golden Hookbeard: The Puppy Pirate with a Hook for a Head

He will hook the shit out of you.

And he'll also hook your heartstrings.

You've been warned.

Poll (non)Results

I was planning on doing a big post going over the results of the poll I had posted on the blog, but my poll numbers were lower than Michelle Bachmann's will be after her husband comes out of the closet.

At least he can pray himself back into the closet, though.

There were a whopping 6 votes cast. And one of those was me. So if you voted and were wondering what the results were, well, whatever you voted for got at least 20% of the non-me votes. Good job.

And for all of you that were even lazier than the Danish and didn't get around to voting:

Boo-urns. Boo-urns to you all.

Hans is on my side on this one.