Adam and Ethan's Public Speaking Advice

A few weeks ago I was out having a few drinks after volleyball with my team. One of our teammates mentioned that she had to give a speech for a class the next day, and that she had a bit of a fear of public speaking.

(Since she denied our request to come watch her speech, here is an artist's rendering of what that might have looked like.)

Hopefully she doesn't have a fear of being made fun of on the internet.

Fueled by booze and our enormous IQs, my friend Ethan and I then launched into a good 10 minutes of advice and tips for her speech. Realizing that it would be unfair to the world to keep these nuggets of genius to ourselves, I present to you Public Speaking for the Socially Inept! PSSI for short, (which is pronounced "pissy," in case you were wondering.) Below is a list of invaluable tips for anyone that has a big speech to give and needs to boost their confidence first.

Prepare to learn, idiots!

- While in front of the crowd, picture yourself naked.

- Conversely, actually be naked.

- To break the tension at the beginning of your speech, fart loudly.

- Just remember that everyone is laughing AT you, not WITH you.

- PYP: Piss Your Pants

- Start off with several minutes of uncomfortable silence and fidgeting. That way the crowd will feel as awkward and uneasy as you do.

- If you're nervous ahead of time, try doing some cocaine.

- Alternatively, drop some acid.

- PYP2: Poop Your Pants, Too.

- Surprise guest after surprise guest. Each more surprising than the last!

- Visualize everyone in the crowd with the head of an animal. Do this by staring intently at each member of the crowd individually, and really concentrate on what they would look like with an animal head. Take as much time as you need to do this to every member of the audience. Remain silent during this time.

- Fireworks!

You know, now that I look at the list, I'm thinking maybe we were giving tips on what NOT to do when giving a speech. I have to admit I wasn't really paying attention. 

Either way, this list is filled with great ideas that anyone that is afraid of public speaking either should or shouldn't do. You're welcome, puny humans.

[ The credit for the professional photoshop job, many of the "tips"* and the idea to turn this into a blog post goes to Ethan Trepp. If you're wondering who came up with what, just assume the tips you found funny were my ideas, and the rest were Ethan's. ]

* Plus one tip was stolen from the Simpsons. But I did do all the typing.