5 Bad Last-Minute Trick-or-Treat Ideas

Weeny is less than a week away. If you're anything like me, or the average Danish person, you're too lazy to go out and buy candy for the trick-or-treaters ahead of time. After all, you've got almost a week still, right? But next thing you know the doorbell rings and you realize H-dub is here and you don't have any candy in the house.

Shit, I don't have these kind of treats either.

In a blind panic, you're bound to grab the nearest small item and throw it in the bags just outside your door, in the hopes that the little bastards holding those bags will go away. And that would be a huge mistake.

Remember when I referred to the trick-or-treaters as "bastards"? You should. It's literally like a half an inch above this line. I'm worried for you if you forgot already. Anyway, they're bastards for a reason. Give them something crappy and you're in for a night of rotten eggs, flaming bags of poo, and police responding to falsified complaints of you exposing yourself to the children. But don't worry, my crack staff of H-weeny experts have come up with the most likely items to bring down the wrath of today's asshole trick-or-treaters. 

But wait, there's more! I'm not just going to tell you what not to give. I've come up with replacement ideas that every child that shows up at your house and demands free stuff should enjoy. My award winning* advice is yours, absolutely free**, after the jump.

Bad Idea: Loose change

This is one of the most common options for people too dumb to remember to buy candy for a holiday that happens on the exact same day every single year. Loose change sucks. I want to throw flaming poo at your house for even considering it, and I'm on your side! Anyway, most kids today don't even know what paper money is, what with their Twitters and Direct Deposits and other online nonsense. They sure as hell don't want the pennies you dug out of your ashtray.

Instead Give: Loose pills

Pretty much everybody has a bunch of pill bottles with a couple pills left in them that they have no need for, or have no idea what they're for. So why not give them to someone who might be able to use them? Maybe that pill will just happen to be the cure for whatever ailment the little girl at your door has? Then you'd be a hero! Plus, if the kids don't want the pills they can at least sell them for some real money at school. That's way better than your crappy loose change.

Bad Idea: Apples, oranges or fruit of any kind

Personally, I think fruit is always a bad idea. It takes up stomach space that could be better used for spray cheese and booze. But it's especially bad for H-dubby dub. It's a day for tooth decay and early onset diabetes, not good eating habits. Get with it, hippie!

I think I'm going to puke.

Instead Give: Apple© products

That's right, I mean iPads, iPhones, iPods, i(Funny word here). Kids love that shit. You'll be the most popular person on the block. Sure, it might be a bit expensive to give that kind of stuff away, but that's what you get for being the Scrooge that Ate Halloween. Do you want to ruin All Hallow's Eve? I don't think so. So cough up your Mac, you lazy bastard.

Bad Idea: Pencils, pens and other office supplies
Even if you don't give the kids your iPod or MacBook, chances are they have one. Meaning they probably have no idea how to even use a pen or pencil. They'll have plenty of time to steal their own office supplies when they grow up and get a job they hate. Why are you trying to steal their childhood?

Instead Give: The Office on DVD
It's a great show, and the kids will recognize Steve Carell from that Dr. Seuss movie he did.

This one.

If you're worried you might run out, just break the season sets up and hand out the individual DVDs. It's not like they can complain. You just gave them a DVD for Halloween! They got nothing to bitch about.

Bad Idea: Political buttons, bumper stickers, etc.

If you're too lazy to buy Dubby candy, you're probably too lazy to throw away anything, ever. So I'm guessing there's most likely a bunch of old buttons and whatnot from the failed political campaigns you've supported strewn about your house.

What a world it could have been.

Don't do it. As worthless as political paraphernalia is while the campaign is ongoing, it's even more worthless afterwards. Every car that has a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on it is worth 25% less according to Kelley Blue Book. You will actually ruin the candy that is already in the bag by putting that crap in there.

Instead Give: A political voice

Last time I checked, most kids can't vote. I assume it's because they're all felons, but whatever the reason is they have no say come election time. And statistically speaking, you don't vote. So since you weren't planning on using your constitutional right anyway, why not ask the kids who they would vote for and place a vote for them? Granted, if more than one kid shows up at your door it means you'll need to vote multiple times. You'll have to figure that part out for yourself. If I give you all the answers you'll never survive on your own in the wild.

Bad Idea: Bullets

Maybe the reason you didn't buy candy wasn't because you're lazy, but because you're more of the "one room shack in the woods" type. In that case I'm sure there's an abundance of firearms and ammunition within arms reach of you at this very moment. While I salute your rabid and most-likely-incorrect interpretation of the 2nd Amendment, trick-or-treaters might not be so understanding. It's hard to clean rotten eggs off your shack when you have no electricity or running water. 

Instead Give: Incriminating evidence

If you're considering giving bullets to children, chances are you've got some items laying around your humble abode you don't want the police to find. What better way to get rid of it than by spreading it out amongst dozens of Halloween bags? 

This all seems fairly kid friendly.

Sure, once they get home the kids' parents are bound to discover it and call the police, but what are the chances they'll track it back to the creepy bearded dude that's always muttering about the "Guv'mint?" Plus, it never hurts to have an extra set of prints on something.

* I'm sure I'll win an award for this blog sooner or later, so I'm just trying to get out ahead of it.

** Unless you actually follow any of this advice. Then you owe me cash.