Reckless Activities for Stupid People #4

So in case you haven't noticed, my posting frequency has gone done a bit in the past few weeks. Apparently I only had 3 funny ideas when I started this blog. But I did manage to spread them out between 27 posts so far. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

To hold over the angry mobs clamoring for more content, I've decided to post another "Classic" Reckless Activities for Stupid People! This is probably my favorite one, so hopefully that helps.

And to sweeten the deal, I've also posted the funniest picture ever found on the internet just below. Because I'm a giver.

I can't believe they were even able to fit a woodchuck in there.

Man, that cracks me up every time I look at it. Hopefully the RASP column isn't too big of a letdown after the hilarity that is the above image. Let's get stupid!

[***DISCLAIMER*** The contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you and any small animals in your immediate area]

How to Fail at Life in Less than 30 Days

            Have you been to a bookstore recently? I’ll wait until you get one of your friends to read that last line out loud to you before you answer.

            Oh, you’re back. Well, I have no idea what your answer may be, since as I’ve pointed out before I can’t actually hear you when you talk to the computer screen. But for the sake of this article let’s assume you have. And assuming that you have, I will also then assume that you’ve noticed the plethora of books that are now available on how to become successful at various things. And I know what you’re thinking about what happens when I assume things; it makes an ass out of the letters U, M, and E. Well I never much liked those letters, so I’m going to assume away.

            These success books are all over the place, on a million different subjects. “7 Steps to Digestive Freedom”, “Who Ate my Cheese?”, “How to win at Slots, Lotteries and Cow-Pie Bingo” and the like. There’s so many of these success books out that I’m sure you have written one yourself, or at least have an agent shopping an idea around for you.

            The sheer number of success books on the market can mean only one thing: It’s amazingly easy to succeed. If it was really that hard, then why does everyone and their Uncle Joe have a success book out?

Now let’s take brain surgery. That’s hard. Next time you go to a bookstore look for books on how to do brain surgery. You’ll be lucky if you find one. Building a 170-foot tall cathedral is another difficult thing to do. How many cathedral building books have you seen lately? I’m going to answer for you and say none. Therefore the only explanation for the swarming mass of success books is that success is easy. You want a real challenge, try failing.

“But Adam, being that I am currently reading your column, chances are pretty good that I’m already a failure. What the hell are you talking about?”

Now, mom, you’re being too hard on yourself. But what I’m talking about isn’t your average sweat-pants wearing, reality TV watching, “It’s the credit card company’s fault I’m bankrupt because they kept raising my limit” kind of failure. No, I’m talking about failure on a truly spectacular level. The kind of failure that will make your fellow man look at you with awe and say “Damn, sucks to be him.” How can you achieve this type of soul crushing failure? Don’t worry. As usual I have all the answers.

We’ll start with the most important area you must fail in, your job. If you are anything less than a total failure at work, the rest of it doesn’t matter. Or would it be if you’re anything more than a total failure? If you know the answer to that, you’ve already failed at the task at hand. Good job. Or is it?

There are a million ways to fail miserably at your job. So many I won’t even try to list them. Really, there are tons of them. I counted once and it was well over a million, which is why I’m not listing them. It’s definitely not because I’m a lazy bastard.

Anywho, simply not doing your job isn’t nearly enough to be a spectacular failure. Most people don’t do their jobs. Those that do usually don’t do a good job. You need to come up with ways of failing that surpass those of your fellow co-workers. If you can do so poorly that it’s a health hazard to the nearby community, you’re on the right track. If people actually have to be evacuated because of your actions, you’re doing great. If you can achieve all this while working as a data processor at an insurance company, then you don’t need my help. It is a rather daunting task, I know. But if you work at it harder than you’ve ever bothered to work at doing a good job, you will succeed. And by succeed I mean fail. Good job. Or is it?

Job failure is merely the first step. Your personal life needs to be a complete shambles as well. Now most of you are probably already doing pretty well in this department. Don’t believe me? Then why are you sitting at your computer reading this column instead of partying with movie stars and super models aboard your own private yacht anchored off the shore of your own private island? See. I was right. As always.

For the sake of this article I’ll assume you’re more like me; a person that everyone just naturally loves no matter what I do or say. Really, that’s what being me is like. It’s hard to fail in your social life when everyone loves you. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Make a point of commenting very loudly about any and every skin blemish or imperfection you can find on every person you meet. Do this when you first meet them, to set the tone. If you’re having dinner with friends, it’s not enough to eat with your mouth open and make a lot of disgusting noises while chewing. Eat pasta and soup with your fingers. Eat hamburgers and sandwiches with your elbows and/or feet. Oh, and did I mention this should all be done while pantless? That’s the most important part.

After wrecking your work and social life, any shred of a love life you might still have will be easy to dispose of. If your mail-order bride has already arrived, there are many things you can still do to cause the relationship to fail. While having sex, start out by yelling your own name. As you get into more advanced failing, try yelling out names of elderly, second-tier television stars such as Ed McMahon, Bob Barker, or Abe Vigoda. Around holiday or anniversary times, try presenting your sweetie a gift you made yourself – using only items that came off of or out of your own body. I won’t bother to elaborate any further on that one. I think you get the idea.

As I mentioned before, the possibilities are nearly endless. But using the ideas I’ve given you here as a guide, in no time you’ll be differentiating yourself from the teeming masses and will be extremely successful at being a failure. At which time you’ll have to start all over, because you’re trying to fail, not succeed. But if succeeding at being a failure means you’ve failed, isn’t that the whole point in the first place?

Wow, this really doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? I mean, I’ve written some incomprehensible garbage before, but this could be the most convoluted, idiotic article I’ve ever seen. Which means I’ve succeeded yet again.

Or have I?

Next time: Slightly more literate stupidity!

Adam Johnson once ate a pound of butter in under five minutes. It’s been downhill ever since. He also finds time to be a “serious writer.” His short stories have appeared in places such as Burning Sky, Anotherealm, Twilight Showcase and the Rare Anthology. He also had a chapbook released by Darktales Publications, and is very slowly working on a novel. Any comments, hate mail, job offers, or suggestions for future columns can be sent to raspletters@hotmail.com.*

* 2011 note: I completely forgot I had even set up that email account until re-reading this column. I have no idea what the password might be. If you can figure it out, let me know.