It's The End of the World As I Know It

We're at DEFCON 5, people. The Apocalypse is upon us, and it's every man, woman, and shwo-man* for themselves.

And what's worse, it doesn't appear to be just one Apocalypse, but several happening at the same time.

First, I saw a gang of zombies shambling down the street. Or is that gaggle of zombies? Either way, the zombies are here. Granted, some people would probably try to claim that they weren't zombies, they were just pale people.

Others might point out that they were obviously children.

Those people are probably having their brains served as a snack for the zombie horde. I say snack and not meal, because those people are obviously idiots with tiny brains.

That had me pretty on edge, but I wasn't convinced the End Days were upon us quite yet. That didn't happen until later that night, when first I contracted what I can only assume was the Mad Ebola virus, and then a tremendous explosion shook the house, clearly signifying that the Danish have finally launched a nuclear attack against us.

Those bastards were just biding their lazy, lazy time.

One of the sister wives tried to convince me that I had just sneezed and then someone outside had slammed a car door, but I wasn't having any of it. So for the immediate future I'll be holed up in my Doomsday Bunker, eating can after can of stewed beets, riding out Armageddon in relative comfort while the rest of you die miserably.

My bunker can be described in two words: Impregnable.

It's been nice knowing you, suckers. Say hello to Hell for me.

Unless this all turns out to be a false alarm. In that case, make sure to come back next week for a new Bat-Tuesday post!

* I've been told I need to be more "inclusive" with my blog if I want to get more traffic. So hopefully this placates all the shwo-mans out there.