Bat-Tuesday

December 25th falls on a Bat-Tuesday this year, and we all know what that means.

That's right, it's Batmas Day!

Hopefully crime does take a holiday.

But please, try to remember what the real purpose of this day is, and not just focus on the gifts.

Or on fighting Christmas Bears.

What I'm trying to say is, let's keep the "Bat" in "Batmas!" 

He's the reason for the season!

Happy Batmas everyone!

That's All, Folks!

Well, this is it. Today is the end of the world. I assume any moment now I'll be swept up in the Rapture, or a meteor will strike the earth, or a giant Mayan will pee lava on everyone.

Which is clearly what this depicts.

So before we go I might as well get a few things off my chest:

- I've never been potty trained.

- I once ate a live squirrel because I thought it would be funny. It was not.

- Adam T. Johnson is just an alias. I'm actually respected actor Forrest Whittaker.

- I'm secretly jealous of the Danish and all they've accomplished. That's why I make fun of them so much.

- And most importantly, this last one is to you, my readers. I can't stand a single one of you. You all disgust me. You can all Apoca-kiss my ass.

JC's with me on this one.

Ahh, it's so freeing getting that all off my chest. Thank goodness the world is ending or I would have been way too embarrassed to write any of that.

Sayonara, suckers! I'm going out with no regrets!

Unless the world doesn't end in the next few hours. That would be awkward. But that doesn't seem very likely.

Parker Lewis Says:

With the apocalypse coming on Friday, it looks like even I can lose.

Maybe Cousin Balki got lucky and has been holed up in a Doomsday bunker somewhere.

Arma-geddon Ready for the Apocalypse

I realize it's been a long time, even for me, since I last posted here. But it's been even harder than usual to muster up the energy to write a post. Or to do much of anything responsible, really. No, it's not because I'm clinicily depressed. It's because the world's ending soon, and I'm trying to live it up as much as I can before then.

I see this and I think "Party!"

Yes, I know I've claimed the world was ending before. But this time people other than me are also saying that we're in the Last Days. I think they're called Mayans.

And they're going out debt free!

The last 2 weeks have pretty much been a drunken haze. But that's not how I want to spend these last 10 days. I want to be able to remember and savor my last fleeting moments on this planet. Which is why I've saved up all my favorite things to do these last 10 days we all have on earth.

I'm going to start out by buying all kinds of awesome books and gadgets with the Borders and Circuit City gift cards I've been saving up. Then for the next week and a half I'm going to sit on the couch eating nothing but Twinkies and watch all the episodes of One Life to Live that I set my Tivo to record this past year.

For some variety maybe I'll run out and rent a movie.

Yes sir, absolutely nothing can go wrong with this next 10 days. I almost wish the world would end all the time.

See you on the other side, suckers!

I'm Rich!

Ok, the title is a little misleading. I'm not rich . . . yet. But I will be pretty soon.

Wanna know how? Get a load of this -

Ancient Americans referred to these as "Fool's Balls."
Who's the fool now?

From what I've read online, there's like $500 million hidden inside of one of these (don't ask me how they fit it in there.)

So I went out and bought $3,000 worth of them today. At 25 cents a piece that works out to like a million of them. One of them is sure to be the one stuffed with a $500 million dollar bill.

When I'm filthy rich, I'll try not to let the money go to my head.

My stomach, however, is another matter.

No promises, poor people.

Thanksgiving - Synonym Style!

Remember last year when I did a hilarious Thanksgiving post chock full of jokes and whimsy that that was fun for old and young alike? Well, I'm not doing that this year. That's way too much work.

So instead, I hope this Thanksgiving everyone gets plenty of...

With a side of...

Plus a heaping helping of...

And why not finish it off with a good ole' slice of...

Math is tasty!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Which Came First - The Chicken or The Crab?

A few weeks back, myself and 1 to 3 of the sister-wives spent a long weekend in Phoenix, Arizona.

It's like Mississippi in the desert.

One night, while dining in the strangely empty downtown Phoenix*, I spied what the menu described as "Crab stuffed Chicken." Being a fan of foods that are one type of animal shoved inside of other types of animals, I ordered it without hesitation. 

To my dismay, it was not a whole chicken with an entire crab - shell and all - shoved inside of it. What it was was 2 nicely grilled chicken breasts with a crab cake mashed in between. So it was basically a high class version of KFC's Double Down sandwich.

So essentially this. But, you know, good.

I truly, honestly, never would have thought I'd be disappointed in anything that could be described as "Double Down-esque." It's not that it wasn't good. It just in no way was a chicken with a crab crammed inside of it. And dammit, that's what I ordered. What's happened to this country?

What happened, America? You used to be cool.

Excuse me. I think I need some time alone.

* I'm planning on writing a post about this. But considering my past track record when I've mentioned certain subjects that I plan to write about but haven't actually written yet, I wouldn't hold your breath. 

Bat-Election-Tuesday

I'm thinking this is the year it finally happens.

USA! USA!

Look, Over There . . .

. . .What's that behind you?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

BOO!

Oh man, I got you good. You should see the look on your face. Classic.

Happy Halloween!

2 Years? 2 Years!

2 years ago today I was fortunate enough to trick this lady into marrying me.

I got a great discount on my insurance that day, too.

I wish there was a word for what today is. Something like blorthday or centaversary. But more related to weddings and tracking time since the wedding in 1 year increments. Maybe "Same Calendar Day as the Day We Got Married Day," or "Wedbirth-day." I can't believe no one has thought of this yet.

Anywho, thanks for marrying me 2 years ago, woman who I want to call Flo but I'm pretty sure that's just because of the costume! It's been great!

Reckless Activities for Stupid People #6

Man, my posting frequency has gone way down the last few months, hasn't it? Apparently all my post ideas came from cigarettes. Who knew?

Fortunately for me, this has happened before. Yes, back when I was writing a quarterly column, I still couldn't keep up with any kind of deadline, and as a result wrote a Reckless Activities for Stupid People column based off of that very idea. Thanks, Past Me! For once you didn't screw over Current Me.

But we both hate Future Me. Fuck that guy.

So here you go, yet another old Reckless Activities for Stupid People column is after the jump. Try to contain yourselves.

Thinking Out Loud

If you really want to mess with peoples' heads this Halloween, dress up as someone that's giving out Halloween candy to trick-or-treaters. Then go trick-or-treating.

Who's trick-or-treating who?

That oughta get people talking.

Advice for Quitting Smoking

After smoking between half a pack a day and a full pack a day for over 20 years, I have quit smoking. It's been 6 weeks since I've had a cigarette.

It seems like everyone has an opinion on what to do when you're trying to quit, even if they've never smoked before. So why should I be any different? But the advice I'm going to share is something I haven't seen or heard anywhere else. Because I'm a rebel, that's why.

So here's my advice, as a former long-time smoker, to anyone who's looking to quit smoking:

Don't do it.

Seriously, don't. Quitting sucks. I'm 6 weeks in and it still sucks. I've put on weight, I feel like shit most of the time, and I still want a cigarette really, really bad.

I would kick like a thousand puppies to be this guy right now.

If this is what it's like to be a non-smoker, it's totally not worth it. Sure, maybe I'll live an extra year or two now. But those extra years are the late, crappy years. I wouldn't have missed them.

Plus, smoking isn't all bad. One upside to smoking that I think has been largely ignored for the past decade is how cool it makes you look.

Look how awesome this dude is.

Being a smoker also inhibits your sense of smell. Which, as I've discovered in the past few weeks, is a good thing. Most of the world literally stinks. Like all the time.

You can practically see the stink lines.

So all you smokers out there thinking about quitting; forget about it. The pros do not outweigh the cons. Although you will outweigh all kinds of stuff if you do quit. 

Because you'll put on weight and get fat. That's where I was going with that one.

Shipwreck from G.I. Joe Says:

I know that I haven't seen Cousin Balki, and neither has Polly.

And knowing is half the battle.

100!

Holy crap, this is the 100th post on my blog! It's Undocumented Facts centaversary! Huzzah!

It's party time, you whippersnappers!

I would love to be able to say that the reason it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post is because I was coming up with something massive and original for my 100th post. But I think we all know that simply isn't true. So instead here's a list of a few other things that reached the century mark. Let's see what kind of illustrious company I'm in!

 - The Adventures of Jerry Lewis, an appropriately titled comic book based on the adventures of Jerry Lewis, made it up to 124 issues.

That's a whole lot of glavin!

 - The television show Yes, Dear lasted 122 episodes. You remember it. It was that show, with the thing.

It starred those guys. And some lady-guys.

- Groundbreaking film director Leni Riefenstahl lived to be 101 years old. Oh, and she was also a huge Nazi. Like friends with Hitler huge.

- Pug Talk Magazine has published almost 200 issues. That's right, a magazine exclusively about pugs not only exists, but has been publishing for decades. That's not depressing at all.

You probably thought I'd go for the obvious "bitch" joke here, didn't you? Grow up.

Well, that truly is some impressive and exclusive company I'm in. It's an honor to have Undocumented Facts join their ranks. 

It just goes to prove that to make it this long, I've obviously got to be producing something of quality. Just ask Kenny G, who has recorded over 150 songs. 

Nicely done, Mr. G. Nicely done.

Undocumented Facts: High School Reunion Edition

A few weeks back I had my 20 year high school reunion. In addition to making me feel very, very old, I also learned quite a few new things. They were facts that were previously unknown. Some might even say they were undocumented.

Not me though. So here's a list of a bunch of stuff that I discovered at my high school reunion. Strap on your bifocals and enjoy the ride!

 - Thanks to changing hairstyles and/or male pattern baldness, the total weight of my class's hair is one third what it was 20 years ago.

And in this guy's case, both reasons apply.

- Despite what every single person who talked to me may believe, I have not grown since high school. Everyone else has shrunk 3 inches, however.

- Just like eating wedding cake on your 1st year anniversary, the appetizers at our 20 year reunion were all leftovers from our graduation party.

- While most everyone, myself included, felt like we all looked the same as we did 20 years ago, that simply isn't true. It's a trick our minds play on us, as can be plainly seen by the below picture showing me in high school and me now.

That's some glorious hair, though.

- One of my former classmates is a sleeper agent for the U.S.S.R. 

- Contrary to what I've been telling people for the last 20 years, I did not go to high school with ALF. Turns out it was just some short, hairy kid.

I could have swore I once saw him eat a cat, though.

- Feeling all nostalgic after the reunion, I decided to relive my high school days by drunkenly sneaking into my parents house at 1:30 in the morning without waking them. It made for an awkward morning the next day. Especially since my parents don't live in that house anymore.

Holy Overused Headline Bit, Batman!

Were you aware that there's currently a Batman movie out? I had no idea. For some reason they stupidly left the word "Batman" out of the title of their Batman movie, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was news to most people.

I discovered it purely by accident. I went to the theater last night hoping to catch "Jack and Jill," (It stars Adam Sandler as both a man AND a woman! How could that not be funny?) Much to my surprise that movie was no longer showing at my local cine-plex. So instead I decided to try out some movie called "The Dark Knight Rises." And let me tell you, it almost made me happy to not be seeing 2 Adam Sandlers, (key word being almost.) The Batman movie was awesome. You really need to go see it.

Adam West does a great job in this movie.

It's a real shame for this movie to be flying under everyone's radar, (Get it? Batman. Radar. Both words have 2 A's in them. It's a pun!) So go see the new Batman movie, and then tell some friends to go see it. If we're lucky, maybe they'll make a sequel or a couple prequels or something.

Sick Day

I was planning on getting a new post up tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day.

Like this guy, but without the beret.

Not surprisingly, it's harder trying to be funny when you feel like utter crap. So hopefully I'll get a real post up within the next day or two.

I know you're disappointed. But we'll get through this. Together.

TC from Magnum P.I. Says:

I've got a kick-ass helicopter, and I still haven't been able to find Cousin Balki.

Meet Bob Ducca

I know I've posted a couple youtube videos on here in the past, but those were both by my brother, and I was even briefly in one of them, so there was at least a tenuous link to myself to make them relevant to posting here.

Not so with today's post. This is simply a video that I found so funny I was in tears at several points. And since I don't have an idea of my own at the moment, I figured I'd might as well share. Once again my lack of motivation and work ethic is your gain.

Just a heads up, there isn't really any "video" aspect to this video. These are 4 bits of comedian Seth Morris doing his character Bob Ducca on the Comedy Death-Ray/Comedy Bang Bang podcast. It's freaking hilarious. So enjoy.

Bat-Tuesday

Hey, Batman Overboard! Long time no see.

Geeze, you're always so hostile. You know, I was going to ask you to join me in my birthday celebration, but since you're being such a jerk...

Oh, alright. You know I can't stay mad at you, Batman.

What? I thought we were going to celebrate my birthday. Where are you going?

Wait a minute. Did you have a surprise party planned for me this whole time?

You're a sneaky one, Bat-o-Nine-Tails. But, well, this is kind of awkward. I don't think I can afford to fly down to Florida on such short notice.

I don't think that will work. We're not all billionaires with teams of accountants. I know this is asking a lot, especially since you're already throwing me a birthday party, but I don't suppose you could spring for the ticket? 

Yaaay!! I'm going to have a birthday party in Florida with Batman!

Important Advice for the Children

This is Billy.

Hi Billy!

Billy loved video games. Billy also loved super-heroes. So Billy desperately wanted the new Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes Video game.

And for some reason he wanted the European version, apparently. 

Billy's parents were mean and wouldn't buy the game for him, so he decided to earn the money himself by mowing lawns in the neighborhood.

But only after he had cut and dyed his hair.

While mowing the neighbor's lawn, a meteor fell out of the sky and hit Billy on the head.

Meteors are the dickbags of Outer Space.

Billy was OK, but the meteor had a strange effect on him. After getting hit on the head by the meteor, Billy no longer wanted to play video games! Duhn-duhn-duuuuhhhn.

The lesson here kids: Don't be like Billy. Stay inside at all times.

Science!