Cousin Balki Says:

I will fucking END you.

Who's a Big Boy?

Ace Cooper Bojangles III is 4 years old today!

This is my favorite picture of anything ever.

You're an adult now. Time to get out and find a job. You've been freeloading for long enough.

If working pizza delivery was good enough for me, it's good enough for you, too. Get cracking!

Bat-Tuesday

It's the Bat-Tuesday after St Patty's Day! Let's see how the Batman-about-town is doing.

Batman, how you holding up after St Patrick's Day?

Sounds like you had a good time. What kind of hijinks did you get up to?

Oh, come on. You can tell us. My readers and I are a cool group of people.

Wow, that's a bit harsh. You know Bats, you're being kind of a jerk.

Yes. You're acting a bit dick-ish.

You know, Bats, maybe you're still hungover, or maybe you're just in a bad mood. But you're starting to hurt my feelings.

Ok. Now you're just mocking me. I'm out of here.

Under Construction

No, the website isn't under construction. Sorry to anyone hoping for a new look for Undocumented Facts, but I have neither the desire, time, or intelligence to redesign this site.

But the room I write the blog in is currently under construction. Take a look.

Homer is not pleased with the current situation.

In case you missed it in that picture, my computer is somewhere under all the splattered paint and plastic. To help you out I even highlighted it in this next photo, Madden style!

Sometimes I think I'm TOO giving to you people.

So due to the condition my "work" space is in, I'm using it as an excuse to get out of doing a new post. Because I totally can't get past that plastic barrier to get at the computer. Or use another computer.

If I can't get to a computer to put up a new post, how am I telling you all of this through a new post? Pure willpower, that's how.

Enough to make this guy seem like a pussy.

That seems believable.

Post of Shame

Last night at around 1:00 am I found myself at a Taco Bell drive-thru ordering 6 Dorito Tacos. You read that right - 6 of them.

(If you're unfamiliar with the Dorito Taco, it's basically just a regular Taco Bell taco sprinkled with nacho powder and regret.)

With a side-order of disappointment.

In my defense, only 1 of them was for me. The other 5 were for a friend who shall remain nameless. And by this point, probably colon-less, too.

It might not be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, but it was up there. 

Coupled with the fact that Taco Bell for some reason discontinued the Baja Chalupa (damn you, Taco Bell!) I might need to start rethinking my eating habits.

I wonder where the nearest White Castle is?

Cousin Balki Says:

New episodes of Community start in a week? 

Now we do the Dance of Joy!

Adam and Ethan's Public Speaking Advice

A few weeks ago I was out having a few drinks after volleyball with my team. One of our teammates mentioned that she had to give a speech for a class the next day, and that she had a bit of a fear of public speaking.

(Since she denied our request to come watch her speech, here is an artist's rendering of what that might have looked like.)

Hopefully she doesn't have a fear of being made fun of on the internet.

Fueled by booze and our enormous IQs, my friend Ethan and I then launched into a good 10 minutes of advice and tips for her speech. Realizing that it would be unfair to the world to keep these nuggets of genius to ourselves, I present to you Public Speaking for the Socially Inept! PSSI for short, (which is pronounced "pissy," in case you were wondering.) Below is a list of invaluable tips for anyone that has a big speech to give and needs to boost their confidence first.

Prepare to learn, idiots!

- While in front of the crowd, picture yourself naked.

- Conversely, actually be naked.

- To break the tension at the beginning of your speech, fart loudly.

- Just remember that everyone is laughing AT you, not WITH you.

- PYP: Piss Your Pants

- Start off with several minutes of uncomfortable silence and fidgeting. That way the crowd will feel as awkward and uneasy as you do.

- If you're nervous ahead of time, try doing some cocaine.

- Alternatively, drop some acid.

- PYP2: Poop Your Pants, Too.

- Surprise guest after surprise guest. Each more surprising than the last!

- Visualize everyone in the crowd with the head of an animal. Do this by staring intently at each member of the crowd individually, and really concentrate on what they would look like with an animal head. Take as much time as you need to do this to every member of the audience. Remain silent during this time.

- Fireworks!

You know, now that I look at the list, I'm thinking maybe we were giving tips on what NOT to do when giving a speech. I have to admit I wasn't really paying attention. 

Either way, this list is filled with great ideas that anyone that is afraid of public speaking either should or shouldn't do. You're welcome, puny humans.

[ The credit for the professional photoshop job, many of the "tips"* and the idea to turn this into a blog post goes to Ethan Trepp. If you're wondering who came up with what, just assume the tips you found funny were my ideas, and the rest were Ethan's. ]

* Plus one tip was stolen from the Simpsons. But I did do all the typing.