Safety Tips for the Days of Summer

The weather's heating up, the days are getting longer, and fat people are wearing inappropriately revealing clothing at the amusement park. That's right, summer is finally here!

With the weather so nice, chances are you're not going to just sit around inside your house, sweating your balls or lady-balls off.

Pictured: Lady balls.

But don't just go charging out of the house all willy-nilly, run into oncoming traffic and get hit by an ice-cream truck. That would put a serious damper on the rest of your summer. Because you'd be spending it dead. And dead people hate summer. 

That's why, as yet another community service I'm providing free of charge to you filthy ingrates, I'm providing you with these Safety Tips for the Days of Summer. From here on out we'll refer to them as STDS. Are you ready to get some? Then come on!

Hiking: Hiking is exactly like walking except with more trees and less of a purpose. Since most hiking occurs in the woods, and that's where animals live, you need to protect yourself from all the rogue beaver attacks and chipmunk maulings. I'm pretty sure that's what happens in the woods, right? Anywho, if you're going hiking you need to arm yourself with two things: an air horn and as many guns as you can carry. Alternate between blasting the air horn to scare away the more jittery critters of the forest, and firing blindly with your gun. If you're lucky, you'll kill the wombat or pterasaurus that was getting ready to eat you. If you're unlucky, well, wombats gotta eat too.

Boating: Boating is a great way to somewhat legally drink and drive, all while letting everyone around you know that you're a douchebag. That's 2 birds with 1 stone, people!

Or is that 2 birds ON 1 stone? Either way.

But as everyone knows, there's one huge risk you face when boating: Lake monsters. According to the History Channel, they're in pretty much every lake. I have to admit that I'm not entirely sure how to protect yourself against a lake monster, but dynamite never hurts. Unless you get blown up by it. Then it hurts a lot.

Camping: Camping is when well-off people spend thousands of dollars on equipment to feel homeless for a couple of days. You can even combine it with hiking if you like to carry heavy things for long distances. My only real knowledge of camping is what I've seen in movies and on TV, and from that I have learned one very clear thing: Don't go camping. You're basically guaranteed to be gruesomely murdered by machete wielding madmen or Blair Witches or some other horrific creature.

Like this hideous monster.

My advice is to stay home.

Grilling: I can't think of a better way to spend a hot, humid summer evening then standing over an open flame and cooking something that you could have just as easily cooked inside where the air-conditioned air lives. As with any type of cooking, the biggest danger is food poisoning. Food poisoning happens when the soul of the animal you just ate haunts your stomach. Luckily, animal ghosts can be easily banished by thoroughly cooking them. 2 to 3 hours with the grill on high heat should be enough to cook away even the most stubborn of chicken spirits.

I still see a little pink. Better give it another 45 minutes.

Fireworks: Fireworks are how rednecks let others know that they're available for mating. Honestly, I can't think of anything dangerous about fireworks. Have fun you three-fingered hicks!

Now that I've given you all numerous STDS, there shouldn't be anything stopping you from having a great summer. But if you pass any of these STDS on to other people, just remember to let them know you got it from me. Credit where credit is due, people.