Tac and Lono #1: Part 2

It's time for the conclusion to the exciting epic that began yesterday in Tac and Lono #1: Part 1! Are you ready? No? I'll wait.

While we wait, I'll point out that I realized after posting the first half yesterday that these files weren't the final revision. The finished product had a few more sound effects added. Plus, the image on Tac's shirt was changed to Bob from the Church of the SubGenius, which I'm sure violated some copyright law. But we're such rebels we don't care. In your face, fake religion!

Are you ready now? Finally. Once again, the first page is above the fold. Click on "Read more" for the rest. And click on any of the images to enlarge them and make them more readable.

Enough talk. On to the conclusion!

Tac and Lono #1: Part 1

Once again, I'm way overdue for getting a post up. And also once again, I'm fresh out of ideas so I'm just going to post something old I did. I think it gives the blog a predictable, comfortable feeling that makes people feel at home. Like an old pair of sweat pants.

Like this, but a web page.

In an attempt to mix it up a little bit, I decided to post my comic book Tac and Lono for your viewing pleasure. This is a comic that I wrote and was illustrated by my former co-worker from my Half Price Book days, Dan Murphy.

This was what we were hoping would be the first issue in a series. I wrote the scripts for the first 3 issues, and Dan had done thumbnail sketches of issues #2 and #3, but things never went beyond that point. Maybe when I become rich and famous off of this blog I'll try to resurrect it.

Since this is basically just a series of fairly large images, I've decided to break it up into 2 parts. So you get the first half today, and then will have to tune in tomorrow for the conclusion. That's how you get repeat business!

I'm leaving the first page above the fold, but then you'll have to click "Read more" to go to the rest of the pages. Don't be lazy and just read the first page. Your friends will mock you if you do. And you can click on all the images themselves to embiggen them. So, you know, do that. Or something.

Ye Olde Tyme Fporting Menagerie

I'm thinking of starting up an old timey, bare-knuckle boxing league. You know, the way gentlemen fight.

Balderdash to your skullduggery!

Mustachioed combatants only. Inquiries accepted via telegraph.

Rejected Articles and Posts of Ephemera

Are you sitting down? I hope so. Because I'm about to blow your tiny little mind.

This post is a list of ideas that I decided weren't good enough to write a post about.

That's right. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I don't post every stupid thought or idea that pops into my head. I'll give you a second to let that settle in.

While you do that, I'll play some video games.

You're back? Sorry, got caught up playing the Baby Moses board. Those Egyptians are tough to beat.

Anyway, the truth is there are times I get ideas for a post that for some reason or another I eventually abandon. Sometimes it's because the idea isn't enough for it's own post, sometimes because I don't think it's funny, and more often than I'd like to admit it's because it would just be way too offensive to one group or another.

But the Danish just suck SO HARD!

But if there's one thing this blog is about, it's being totally open and honest, (well that, and Cousin Balki.) That's why I've decided to share these rejected ideas with all of you in a new feature I call Rejected Articles and Posts of Ephemera! Or for short, RAP-.

Nope. Forget that part. That's tasteless, even for me. No acronym for this post.

Below are the titles of some of my rejected post ideas. For some it will be pretty obvious why I abandoned the idea. For others I've included my reasons in parentheses. Huzzah!

- Mayonnaise: The True Story

- 5 Things You Didn't Know About my Post - 7 Things You Didn't Know About the MN State Fair (This seemed a little too meta to me.)

- Robbing the CVS at the Corner: A Step by Step Guide

- 8 Secrets John Stamos Doesn't Want You to Know! (He wouldn't return my emails asking him what 8 of his darkest secrets are, so I had to scrap the idea. It would have been so good, too.)

- A Pie Chart of the Sandwich I Ate for Lunch Today

It would have looked like this, only a sandwich. And a chart.

- What's Wrong With My Foot? (Too gross.)

- What's Wrong With My Other Foot? (Too embarrassing.)

- Something that would have allowed me to use this photo:

Because nothing's funnier than dozens of bleached animal skulls.

- Check Out This Weird Bug! (There was a really weird bug by me. It was seriously weird.)

- Celebrities I Would Like to See Across a Crowded Restaurant, But Not Talk To Because I Don't Want to Interrupt Their Dinner, or CIWLSACRBNTTBIDWITD! (Even for me, this title just seemed too unwieldy. And this was the short version.)

So now you see what ideas I have that don't even measure up to my almost non-existent quality standards for this blog. Although since I just wrote a post about them, I obviously did think they were worth sharing. That's awkward.

Oh well, hope you enjoyed this first installment of RAP....

Sorry, almost forgot. You'd think I would just change the name.

Bronson Pinchot Says:

My name is not Cousin Balki. That was just a character I played. 
Please stop calling me that.

The Post that Ended Sexism

It seems like there's been a lot in the news recently about sexism and gender equality. I think it has something to do with Republicans deciding all women are evil, so now they want to change the law so all men are required to gay marry. I'll admit I just kind of skimmed the news stories.

Since I've already eradicated racism and smote religious strife, I figured I might as well take care of this sexism thing, too. So here goes.

Hey, men everywhere! Pay attention. Take a look at this picture:

These women are not pieces of meat that are just here for your pleasure. They're human beings with names and jobs and dreams.

These two happen to be named Sinamyn and Spyce. They currently hold down jobs as strippers, but dream of some day getting into porn.

You're welcome. Ladies.

Who Wants Some CRAAP?

Holy crap, it's time for more CRAAP!

That's right, once again I'm ripping off Larry King's old USA Today column and bringing you another edition of Crazy Ramblings And Aimless Perceptions! I honestly don't know how you'll be able to contain your excitement.

This is how I picture my readers reacting.

- My 2 big toes are very different shapes from one another.

- I once played Chinese Checkers with Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's a lovely lady and an all-around class act.

- If you're ever having one of those days where nothing seems to go right, I feel sorry for you. That's never happened to me.

- Have you ever seen an Eskimo? I haven't.

Wait! There's one.

- Hummingbirds seem misnamed to be. They should be called superfastflappybirds. Because that's what they really are. Well, that, and delicious.

- Has anyone heard from Charles Nelson Reilly lately? That guy cracks me up.

Hilarious!

- They should make a vest with sleeves. I'd buy the shit out of that.

- Tacks Time is right around the corner. That's not a typo. There's a store around the corner from me that sells all kinds of different tacks. I love that place.

- Madagascar has surprisingly lenient liquor laws.

There's gonna be a full diaper come morning.

- I once ate pizza 2 days in a row. Continuously. 

- Do you smell something burning?

- Cats poop in a box that you keep in your house. I find that weird.

- Quick! Where are my pants?