Self-Esteem Booster

At some time or another, every single one of us feels fat. It doesn't matter if you're 6' 2", 135 lbs with negative 15% body fat. Once in a while you're going to feel overweight.

This weekend I followed up Thanksgiving dinner by eating at a buffet for the next 3 days straight. I'm pretty sure I consumed somewhere around 57,000 calories in a 4 day period. Luckily I did it while I was at a casino in Wisconsin. And let me tell you, no matter how fat I felt and how much I ate, all I had to do was look around to feel better about myself.

This is what the entire casino looked like.

Sure, I lost hundreds of dollars over the course of the weekend, but it was worth it to secretly judge people that are much, much fatter than I am. A few hundred bucks seems like a small price to pay. Plus, where else can you do that?

Other than everywhere in America, according to this chart.

As much of a self-esteem boost as the casino was, you know what would be an even bigger boost to my fragile ego? If you people would BUY MY BOOK. Seriously. I pretty much know every person that has purchased a copy so far, and chances are you aren't one of them.

There's 3 good reasons you should buy my book: 

1) It's only 99 cents.

2) It's a pretty damn good read, if I do say so myself.

3) I need sales in order to make sales. My book won't show up in other people's recommendations or "People who purchase ______ also purchased ____" type links unless I have enough sales to start popping up. So for the low, low price of 99 cents you can help my book get noticed by other potential buyers.

It's available both through the Kindle and Nook stores, and if you're reading this blog you have a device that you can read the book on. So give it a shot. And then write a review, because that helps attract more buyers, too. After all the priceless tips and information I've given you for free on this blog, it's really the least you can do.

Thanksgiving - Hilarious Style!

By the time you read this, it most likely either will be or already has been Thanksgiving. I thought as a nice treat for my readers leading into this long holiday weekend I would find a funny picture to post to start your weekend on the right foot. Little did I know what the internet had in store for me. And by extension, for us all.

Seriously. Wait until you guys see the hilarious Thanksgiving related pictures I've found. I might just have to shut down my blog after this, because on my best day I can't touch this stuff.

Are you ready? For real. You're probably going to piss yourself laughing if you don't stop at the bathroom first. I'll wait.

Back? Sweet. Let's get started!

That turkey has better penmanship than I do.

Oh, shit. That still cracks me up. Because usually on Thanksgiving people eat turkey, but this turkey doesn't want to be eaten, so he's telling people to eat ham. Which is made from pigs! In this world where animals apparently can write, and I assume also think, in English, he doesn't care if you murder and eat someone else as long as it's not him. That's hilarious!

Normally this one picture would be more comedy than any of us need in a single day. I couldn't believe I had never seen it before. So imagine my surprise when I realized there's more.

Advocating the murder of others to save yourself. I salute you, brave turkey.

It's like the same hilarious joke as before, but this time telling people to eat a different part of the pigs! Pigs still aren't turkeys! That is so great.

There's no way it can get better, can it?

It most certainly can.

Holy shit it's moving! I didn't know pictures could do that.

Ladies.

Now they're going after cows! What can stop these wacky, murderous turkeys?

Other than really crappy drawings, that is.

Oh, snap! Take that, turkey! Or should I say . . . jive turkey?! I shouldn't? Ok, forget that part.

And now let's hear from the hippies.

I have to admit, I didn't find this last one quite as funny. I know the joke is more or less the same as the others, but it just doesn't have that special something. Maybe "local" isn't as funny because it's not another animal the turkeys want you to kill instead of them.

Well, my sides are hurting, and I'm sure yours are too. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my blog. If you're looking for yet more Thanksgiving treats to get you through the weekend, why not buy my book from either here or here? It's only 99 cents! And totally related to Thanksgiving. Spend the buck and you'll see.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Crazy for Collections

Any of you that know me are probably aware that I'm a bit of a collector. Or at least you're aware that I own a ton of crap, which I try to convince people (mainly my wife) are "collectibles."

I'm not quite at "Hoarders" level, but probably closer than most of you are.

Over the years I've collected tons of different items. Some I was into for years, some only a couple of days before I got bored with it.

Right now, I'm pretty much down to 3 collections. The one that is probably most obvious to visitors of my house would be memorabilia from The Simpsons.

This is an actual shot of my home office. Ladies.

The next are Ace Doubles paperbacks. They're Sci-Fi and Fantasy books from the 60s and 70s that are flip books containing 2 full novels. I got them mainly because the covers are great, but there's also some fun stuff to read in there.

And the inspiration for more than one Best/Bad Book Cover. B3C for my homies in the back!

By far my biggest, and longest running, collection is comic books. 

Most of them are NKOTB comics. Ladies.

I have more comics than I know what to do with. I have more comics than most people even knew existed. I have more comics than a grown man should have without being embarrassed. 

Yet I'm not embarrassed. Partly because I think there's nothing to be embarrassed about collecting and reading comics, and anyone that thinks so is ill-informed and close-minded. And partly because that's not even close to the most embarrassing thing I've ever collected.

That would be my collection of ceramic animal miniatures.

Dear Lord, I wish I were joking. Ladies.

As a kid, I was into these. I owned dozens of them. Dogs, ducks, frogs, bears. It didn't really matter what animal it was, just that it was small and ceramic. Apparently when I grew up I wanted to be someone's elderly aunt that lives alone with her cats. I got most of these from this weird, tiny shop up by our cabin that was run by a guy that nowadays would probably have to go door to door anytime he moved into a new neighborhood.

This guy knows what I mean.

I probably shouldn't have told people about that. Too bad I haven't learned how to tell the Korean woman I transcribe my posts to to delete things. Such is life.

That's my collection of collections, both embarrassing and non. What are yours? Put them in the comments. I might not even make fun of you.*

* I almost certainly will make fun of you. But post anyways! It can't be worse than ceramic animals bought from a child molester.

My Shortest Story Ever

Once again I need to get a post up and I have absolutely no ideas. I blame it on my car getting broken into. Seems reasonable.

Anyway, instead of throwing up another Reckless Activities for Stupid People column, I decided to do something a little bit different with my laziness.

So here is the shortest story I've ever had published. I submitted it for a "micro-fiction" contest way back in 1999. "Micro-fiction" in this case meant a story with a beginning, middle and end, all in less than 100 words. I was one of the three winners for the contest, and the story was published in a magazine called "Quicker" back in the winter of 99/00. It was a magazine devoted to flash-fiction, which usually is defined as stories of less than 500 words. I'm pretty sure for winning I got my story published in a magazine with a circulation in the low triple digits, and probably one free copy of said magazine.

My story is entitled "Tag," and including the title clocks in at 96 words. If you've got 7 seconds to spare, give it a read.

TAG

The sweat trickled down Jack’s face and neck as he crashed through the woods at top speed. Branches and thorns tore at his skin and clothing, but he ignored them. He didn’t want to be It.

            Jack had always hated playing tag. Especially with Brett. Brett could be so brutal, so cruel. And today was worse than ever.

            A branch tripped Jack and he crashed to the ground. He turned in horror as he heard footsteps behind him. Brett stood there, grinning maniacally.

            “Tag, you’re it,” Brett said as he raised the gun and fired.

Poor Ashton

As you may have heard, Ashton Kutcher got into a little trouble when he tweeted in support of fired coach Joe Paterno, supposedly without knowing that Paterno got fired because he had covered up that one of his coaches liked to rape children.

Sorry...Oops.

It was a stupid thing for Ashton to say, but digging through his old tweets I discovered it wasn't the first time he's spoken out before knowing the whole story. I copied a few of them below.

       - Heard New Orleans finally got some much needed rain. Can't wait for Mardi Gras!!! #hurricanekatrina

       - @OJSimpson: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

       - @LarryCraig: Saw you today at MPLS airport. Sure were in the bathroom a long time. I can relate. #badthaifood

       - Just saw "Dark Knight." Can't wait to see the Joker in the sequel. #whysoserious?

       - @RobertBlake: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

       - Can't believe they fired @MikeVick. They're treating him like a dog.

       - @Sidvicious: Sorry to hear about your wife. Will keep you in my thoughts.

It's ok, Ashton. We all still love you.

How can we stay mad at anyone so dreamy?

So Much Meat

About two weeks ago for our first anniversary, my wife and I went to dinner at a restaurant that she described to me as a Brazilian meat buffet.

(Surprisingly, when you Google "Brazilian Meat Buffet" it is not a slang term for some disgusting, filthy sex act. Let's see if we can change that. Leave your ideas in the comments.)

Whatever's going on behind this picture is only as filthy as your imagination.

Two weeks later, I'm still full.

It was great, but seriously, I ate so much meat...

"How much meat did you eat?"

I ate so much meat that Ted Nugent swore off hunting for life.

Wango zee Tango, indeed.

I ate so much meat that PETA sent me a letter that simply said "You win."

I ate so much meat I had to change the eye color on my drivers license to "beef."

I ate so much meat that three days later I pooped a live cow.

At least I can use the carpool lane now.

What I'm trying to say is I ate a lot of meat.

Buy My Book!

If I could, I would have this playing constantly in the background when you come to this page. Be thankful I don't know enough about html to do that.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. Buy my book!

That's right. My long out of print, bestselling* debut novella is now available once again. This time in electronic form! It's like some kind of future book.

Lifetimes of Blood, with a wonderful new cover by Kory Kolvig, is now available through the Amazon Kindle store for the low, low price of $0.99. You read that correctly; less than a buck!

And I must say, it looks pretty damn cool on the Kindle. Nothing can quite compare to the feeling I got the first time I held a physical copy of this book in my hands, (over 10 years ago now. Damn.) But this comes pretty close. Kory's cover still looks cool in the grayscale of the Kindle, and the rest of the package came through just as I wanted it to. I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with this book -  both the writing and the presentation.

In case you're unaware, or the title and cover don't make it clear, Lifetimes of Blood is not like the "writing" I do here on the blog. It's a horror story, and fairly gory and graphic in parts. It would definitely be a rated "R" movie. Here's the description that's on amazon.com:

Immortal Enemies...
Homeless people gutted on the streets of New York at the turn of the century...soldiers left in compromising positions with their throats slit in World War II London...high school athletes tortured for days in the Heartland of America in recent times. Scores of murders, spanning even a greater number of years. And all with one horrifying, disturbing, evil connection: a man named Jonas.

But now, after one hundred years, The Other One is finally closing in on Jonas. Can he put an end to an evil that has lasted for over a century? Or will Jonas yet again escape to spread his particular brand of terror for untold years to come?

 Doesn't that sound exciting? And did I mention it's only 99 cents?

Seriously, if you have a Kindle, you should give it a try. If you don't have a Kindle, you can get a free Kindle app for any computer, Mac, smart phone, tablet or other device here. The app is free, so you've got no reason not to. Also, if you are going to buy it, I'd appreciate if you use one of the links I've included in this post, or the window on the right of the blog. That way I get a few extra pennies.

So go buy my book! If you like it, I'd really love it if you just take a few seconds and give it a review on Amazon. Hell, even if you don't like it give it a review.  Books that have numerous reviews sell better than books with one or two.

And in case I haven't said it yet, it's only $0.99! That's practically free. The next time you're in line at the gas station or grocery store, just skip buying a candy bar and you've already made the money back. Plus you'll save yourself a couple hundred calories and won't be one step closer to diabetes. So buying my book can actually save your life. It's a fact!**

Just buy the damn thing already. I'd do it for you.


*It was the bestselling book I've ever had published. So this is technically true.

**This is almost certainly not a fact. Who cares? Buy my book!