Happy Halloween!

For your Weeny treat, here's two tall guys in dressed up in tiny, tight shorts.

At least I think they're both wearing shorts.

Although I'm pretty sure at least one of them was hoping you'd pick "Trick."

Undocumented Facts is on the Kindle!

I've been hearing an awful lot about this "Kindle" thing lately. Until recently, I had been mishearing people that mentioned it, and wondered why everyone was all of a sudden so interested in hobos.

Look it up.

But after receiving one last weekend, I discovered it's actually a device that lets you read things on it. Who knew? And guess what else I discovered? You can have your blog available to read through the Kindle. And even better, you make people pay for it! Trust me, as soon as I found that out I signed up right away.

So now, fellow Kindle owners, you can have Undocumented Facts beamed directly into your Kindle (and no, that's not a double entendre.) Why read this blog for free, and in color, when you can pay $0.99 a month and read it like this:

Ye olde timey blogg.

Seriously, it's only 99 cents a month. And you get to try it for 14 days for free. Just go here to give it a look. If you do want to subscribe, I'd appreciate if you use the Amazon gadget on the right side of the page to do so, because then I get a couple more cents. And if you don't want to subscribe, but like my blog, then why don't you leave me a good review? If you don't want to subscribe, and hate my blog, you can still leave me a review. That way people won't think I just reviewed it myself over and over with different accounts.

UPDATE: When I initially posted this, I didn't even consider the fact that on the Kindle you can turn on "Text to Speech" and have a robot voice read whatever's on the screen to you. Listening to the Kindle robot say "bastards," "H-dubby-dub" and "He will hook the shit out of you" is well worth 99 cents on it's own. For real, if you own a Kindle, or have a Kindle app that includes text to speech, at least subscribe for the free 2 week trial so you can here a funny robot swear. Unless I'm the only one that finds that kind of thing funny.

And if that's the case, I don't know if I want to live in this world anymore.

5 Bad Last-Minute Trick-or-Treat Ideas

Weeny is less than a week away. If you're anything like me, or the average Danish person, you're too lazy to go out and buy candy for the trick-or-treaters ahead of time. After all, you've got almost a week still, right? But next thing you know the doorbell rings and you realize H-dub is here and you don't have any candy in the house.

Shit, I don't have these kind of treats either.

In a blind panic, you're bound to grab the nearest small item and throw it in the bags just outside your door, in the hopes that the little bastards holding those bags will go away. And that would be a huge mistake.

Remember when I referred to the trick-or-treaters as "bastards"? You should. It's literally like a half an inch above this line. I'm worried for you if you forgot already. Anyway, they're bastards for a reason. Give them something crappy and you're in for a night of rotten eggs, flaming bags of poo, and police responding to falsified complaints of you exposing yourself to the children. But don't worry, my crack staff of H-weeny experts have come up with the most likely items to bring down the wrath of today's asshole trick-or-treaters. 

But wait, there's more! I'm not just going to tell you what not to give. I've come up with replacement ideas that every child that shows up at your house and demands free stuff should enjoy. My award winning* advice is yours, absolutely free**, after the jump.

Golden Hookbeard: The Puppy Pirate with a Hook for a Head

He will hook the shit out of you.

And he'll also hook your heartstrings.

You've been warned.

Poll (non)Results

I was planning on doing a big post going over the results of the poll I had posted on the blog, but my poll numbers were lower than Michelle Bachmann's will be after her husband comes out of the closet.

At least he can pray himself back into the closet, though.

There were a whopping 6 votes cast. And one of those was me. So if you voted and were wondering what the results were, well, whatever you voted for got at least 20% of the non-me votes. Good job.

And for all of you that were even lazier than the Danish and didn't get around to voting:

Boo-urns. Boo-urns to you all.

Hans is on my side on this one.

Costume Conundrum

Halloween is just over 2 weeks away. Not wanting to get stuck without a H-Dub* costume, I'm trying to plan ahead. Because Weeny** is too important of a holiday to not take seriously.

Right now I've got it narrowed down to two choices. I read an article in a local newspaper that "sexy" costumes are in***, so I thought I'd try that out. And knowing that the ladies love Disney characters, I thought this would be a good choice.****

Not sure how the Spider-Man speedo fits in, but I can roll with it.

My other thought was to go with something topical. Something that the hip youth of today's kid culture can relate to. Because I desperately want to be liked. So naturally I settled on Borat. Everyone still loves Borat, right?

Apparently including a fake moustache would have been too ridiculous.

Either that or Austin Powers. I can't imagine people getting sick of my impressions of either character.

What do you guys think? Anyone have a better costume idea? I would even consider ones that don't include my bulge showing. Although I'll be less likely to choose those.

* This is one of my totally cool slang terms for Halloween. I'm pretty sure everyone will be saying it soon.

** Or maybe this one.

*** Seriously, do a search of your local paper's archives, and I guarantee within the past 3 years they've done a story on how Halloween costumes are becoming "sexy." There's a chance they've run the same story each of the past 3 years, or longer. And it's totally not just an excuse for a local newspaper to run pictures of women dressed like slutty witches. No sir.

**** I don't actually have anything for this. I was just having too much fun with the asterisk key to stop.

There Once was a Man From Nantucket*

Who likes dirty jokes?

Everyone, that's who. Even the Pope is down for a raunchy limerick now and again.**

Here he is making a "Something About Mary" reference.

Knowing that, my original idea was to go online and just copy and paste a bunch of dirty jokes here and call it a day. To my surprise I was unable to find a single dirty joke on the internet.

Surprisingly when I did a GIS for "XXX" this is all that came up.
Seriously. Try it yourself. At work. With SafeSearch off.

My next thought was to come up with some dirty jokes of my own. Since no one had ever posted any on the internet before, it was bound to be a huge hit. But then I realized I'm lazier than most Danish people, and that would be a lot of work.

So finally I stumbled on the perfect solution. I'll provide the punch lines, and you guys can come up with the jokes yourselves! I'm a genius! No, really. Someone from the Genius Institute of Smart People and Air-Conditioning Repair (GISPACR) called me as soon as they heard this idea and told me I'm a genius. My ribbon is in the mail.

Anyway, below are 5 of the funniest, filthiest, bestest punch lines ever designed by man. See if you can come up with jokes worthy of them. My guess is no, you can't.

1. Bangkok isn't just a city in China.

2. Wheelchair? I hardly know her!

3. That's clearly not my penis.

4. ... and that's why they call me "Puzzle Humper."

5. I said "Sunday Brunch" not "Donkey Punch!"

* I have no idea what the rest of this limerick is, despite hearing this first line a million times. I think it has something to do with Kirby Puckett.

** This might not be true. I'm looking into it.