Advice for Quitting Smoking

After smoking between half a pack a day and a full pack a day for over 20 years, I have quit smoking. It's been 6 weeks since I've had a cigarette.

It seems like everyone has an opinion on what to do when you're trying to quit, even if they've never smoked before. So why should I be any different? But the advice I'm going to share is something I haven't seen or heard anywhere else. Because I'm a rebel, that's why.

So here's my advice, as a former long-time smoker, to anyone who's looking to quit smoking:

Don't do it.

Seriously, don't. Quitting sucks. I'm 6 weeks in and it still sucks. I've put on weight, I feel like shit most of the time, and I still want a cigarette really, really bad.

I would kick like a thousand puppies to be this guy right now.

If this is what it's like to be a non-smoker, it's totally not worth it. Sure, maybe I'll live an extra year or two now. But those extra years are the late, crappy years. I wouldn't have missed them.

Plus, smoking isn't all bad. One upside to smoking that I think has been largely ignored for the past decade is how cool it makes you look.

Look how awesome this dude is.

Being a smoker also inhibits your sense of smell. Which, as I've discovered in the past few weeks, is a good thing. Most of the world literally stinks. Like all the time.

You can practically see the stink lines.

So all you smokers out there thinking about quitting; forget about it. The pros do not outweigh the cons. Although you will outweigh all kinds of stuff if you do quit. 

Because you'll put on weight and get fat. That's where I was going with that one.

Shipwreck from G.I. Joe Says:

I know that I haven't seen Cousin Balki, and neither has Polly.

And knowing is half the battle.

100!

Holy crap, this is the 100th post on my blog! It's Undocumented Facts centaversary! Huzzah!

It's party time, you whippersnappers!

I would love to be able to say that the reason it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post is because I was coming up with something massive and original for my 100th post. But I think we all know that simply isn't true. So instead here's a list of a few other things that reached the century mark. Let's see what kind of illustrious company I'm in!

 - The Adventures of Jerry Lewis, an appropriately titled comic book based on the adventures of Jerry Lewis, made it up to 124 issues.

That's a whole lot of glavin!

 - The television show Yes, Dear lasted 122 episodes. You remember it. It was that show, with the thing.

It starred those guys. And some lady-guys.

- Groundbreaking film director Leni Riefenstahl lived to be 101 years old. Oh, and she was also a huge Nazi. Like friends with Hitler huge.

- Pug Talk Magazine has published almost 200 issues. That's right, a magazine exclusively about pugs not only exists, but has been publishing for decades. That's not depressing at all.

You probably thought I'd go for the obvious "bitch" joke here, didn't you? Grow up.

Well, that truly is some impressive and exclusive company I'm in. It's an honor to have Undocumented Facts join their ranks. 

It just goes to prove that to make it this long, I've obviously got to be producing something of quality. Just ask Kenny G, who has recorded over 150 songs. 

Nicely done, Mr. G. Nicely done.

Undocumented Facts: High School Reunion Edition

A few weeks back I had my 20 year high school reunion. In addition to making me feel very, very old, I also learned quite a few new things. They were facts that were previously unknown. Some might even say they were undocumented.

Not me though. So here's a list of a bunch of stuff that I discovered at my high school reunion. Strap on your bifocals and enjoy the ride!

 - Thanks to changing hairstyles and/or male pattern baldness, the total weight of my class's hair is one third what it was 20 years ago.

And in this guy's case, both reasons apply.

- Despite what every single person who talked to me may believe, I have not grown since high school. Everyone else has shrunk 3 inches, however.

- Just like eating wedding cake on your 1st year anniversary, the appetizers at our 20 year reunion were all leftovers from our graduation party.

- While most everyone, myself included, felt like we all looked the same as we did 20 years ago, that simply isn't true. It's a trick our minds play on us, as can be plainly seen by the below picture showing me in high school and me now.

That's some glorious hair, though.

- One of my former classmates is a sleeper agent for the U.S.S.R. 

- Contrary to what I've been telling people for the last 20 years, I did not go to high school with ALF. Turns out it was just some short, hairy kid.

I could have swore I once saw him eat a cat, though.

- Feeling all nostalgic after the reunion, I decided to relive my high school days by drunkenly sneaking into my parents house at 1:30 in the morning without waking them. It made for an awkward morning the next day. Especially since my parents don't live in that house anymore.

Holy Overused Headline Bit, Batman!

Were you aware that there's currently a Batman movie out? I had no idea. For some reason they stupidly left the word "Batman" out of the title of their Batman movie, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was news to most people.

I discovered it purely by accident. I went to the theater last night hoping to catch "Jack and Jill," (It stars Adam Sandler as both a man AND a woman! How could that not be funny?) Much to my surprise that movie was no longer showing at my local cine-plex. So instead I decided to try out some movie called "The Dark Knight Rises." And let me tell you, it almost made me happy to not be seeing 2 Adam Sandlers, (key word being almost.) The Batman movie was awesome. You really need to go see it.

Adam West does a great job in this movie.

It's a real shame for this movie to be flying under everyone's radar, (Get it? Batman. Radar. Both words have 2 A's in them. It's a pun!) So go see the new Batman movie, and then tell some friends to go see it. If we're lucky, maybe they'll make a sequel or a couple prequels or something.

Sick Day

I was planning on getting a new post up tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day.

Like this guy, but without the beret.

Not surprisingly, it's harder trying to be funny when you feel like utter crap. So hopefully I'll get a real post up within the next day or two.

I know you're disappointed. But we'll get through this. Together.

TC from Magnum P.I. Says:

I've got a kick-ass helicopter, and I still haven't been able to find Cousin Balki.