Look Kids - Polls!

Guess who just discovered you could add a poll to your blog?

Me. It was me. I'm surprised you couldn't guess that.

Let your non-lazy eye drift over to the upper right of the page and you'll see a fancy new poll has been added. It has multiple answers to choose from and everything! Wheeee!!

Fucking wheeee!!

I figured if I'm going to put the effort in to come up with posts, I should at least have an idea if they're posts people want to see. It's even set up so you can select more than one response (which you can't tell because Blogger doesn't let you adjust the poll text colors. Stupid Blogger.) So now you don't have to choose if you love QDC more than B3C. I'm just too damn nice to you people.

To be honest, there's really 3 possible outcomes on my part based on the poll results.

1. I'll completely ignore the results and post whatever the hell I want. (This is my favorite option.)

2. I'll get so upset that people don't love all my posts equally that I'll wander the streets, bawling uncontrollably while I eat sour cream directly out of the container.

3. I'll just say fuck it and post nothing but pictures of my dog, Ace, from now on.

He's such a happy puppy.

And just to spice things up, whomever places the 100,000th vote in the poll will win a huge prize!* Seriously, it'll be huge. But considering reaching that number of votes would require about 2,000 times more visitors than I've had in the life of the blog, I'm pretty confident it won't come to that.

Prove me wrong, morons!

* The huge prize is not guaranteed to be huge, nor a prize. Or even real. Must be a legal resident of Guatemala to win.

Reckless Activities for Stupid People #4

So in case you haven't noticed, my posting frequency has gone done a bit in the past few weeks. Apparently I only had 3 funny ideas when I started this blog. But I did manage to spread them out between 27 posts so far. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

To hold over the angry mobs clamoring for more content, I've decided to post another "Classic" Reckless Activities for Stupid People! This is probably my favorite one, so hopefully that helps.

And to sweeten the deal, I've also posted the funniest picture ever found on the internet just below. Because I'm a giver.

I can't believe they were even able to fit a woodchuck in there.

Man, that cracks me up every time I look at it. Hopefully the RASP column isn't too big of a letdown after the hilarity that is the above image. Let's get stupid!

I am an Economic Genius

I realize it's been a little longer than usual in-between posts here, and I apologize to both of you that have been patiently waiting for a new post. But there's a very good reason for the wait.

Our country - no, our world, is in an economic crisis. Considering that this is the Most Important Blog in the World* I felt it was my duty to do something about it. So I've spent the past several days focusing all 64 of my IQ points on the problem, doing hour after hour of research, looking for a solution.

As usual, by "doing research" I mean "reading a bunch of comics." Luckily, also as usual, comic books have the solution to the world's problems.

That guy doesn't look anything like David Bowie.

Don't worry. I'm not seriously suggesting we sell the planet to aliens. That's crazy talk. We just follow the main character's lead from the story itself, and pretend to sell the planet to aliens.

See, the guy in the fetching purple jumpsuit with brown cape is actually a con-artist. Or I should say, considering this is a sci-fi comic book story written in the 50s, a Space con-artist. He isn't actually selling the planet. He's just fooling those aliens into thinking he is so he can take their diamonds. Stupid aliens, when will you learn?

Of course, there's a twist (and SPOILERS for an obscure, 40 year old comic book that reprinted a story that is now almost 60 years old) The aliens were Space con-artists, too. The diamonds were actually ice. Doesn't say much for our main character's intelligence if he thought a bunch of crushed ice was actually diamonds.

But I do have to give the guy some credit, because he carried the following business card around, just in case he ever needed it.

Funny, I got a tattoo that says the exact same thing.

That is straight up ballin'.

* It's true, it says so right on the top of the page. And we all know you can't lie on the internet.

Lame.

I have wracked my brain for hours and I can't think of a single thing to post. So fuck it, here's a picture of a fat dude dressed like Spider-Man.

Does whatever a morbidly obese spider can.

That's kind of funny, right?

Funniest. Post. Ever.* - A Tribute

So earlier tonight I wrote what was, clinically, the funniest thing ever written in the universe.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had been drinking nail polish remover and snorting ranch dressing, I forgot to save what I wrote. And I now that I'm starting to come down from my salad dressing high, I can no longer remember anything about it. Other than that it was hilarious. Seriously.

So a moment of silence please, in remembrance of a post so gut-wrenchingly funny it would have raised Joseph Stalin and Jeffrey Dahmer from the dead and made them publicly apologize for all the horrible things they did. Right before they died again because their bodies are all rotten and their lungs and other organs don't work. You know, because they were dead.

That tombstone is totally obsolete.

We miss you, funniest post in the known and unknown universe. You left us too soon.

* I'm pretty sure this is my first Simpsons reference on the blog. I'm as shocked as you are.

Thanks, internet!

This is a picture of a cowboy monkey riding on a dog.

Or is it monkey cowboy?

I don't really have anything to add to that.

7 Things You Didn't Know About the MN State Fair

It's State Fair time! That means giant, smelly crowds, overpriced food that by all rights should kill you with two bites, and black boogers the next day. Hooray!

That is some genuine excitement right there.

Realizing that the State Fair is the most popular thing going in Minnesota right now, and numbered lists are about the most popular articles on the internet, I've decided to shamelessly combine the two in a desperate attempt for affection traffic. You could consider this post "Undocumented Facts - MN State Fair Edition." But no one is going to do a web search for that. I'll gladly toss away any kind of  creative continuity on this site if it gets me nine page views. Because I care.

So on we go to 7 totally real, not at all made-up on the spot, things you didn't know about the MN State Fair! It's so exciting it's stupid!!!