Reckless Activities for Stupid People #6

Man, my posting frequency has gone way down the last few months, hasn't it? Apparently all my post ideas came from cigarettes. Who knew?

Fortunately for me, this has happened before. Yes, back when I was writing a quarterly column, I still couldn't keep up with any kind of deadline, and as a result wrote a Reckless Activities for Stupid People column based off of that very idea. Thanks, Past Me! For once you didn't screw over Current Me.

But we both hate Future Me. Fuck that guy.

So here you go, yet another old Reckless Activities for Stupid People column is after the jump. Try to contain yourselves.

Huh? Wha? GoawayImsleeping.

Why are you bugging me? What do you mean my next RASP column is due? Three months couldn’t have passed already. I just went to sleep.

Well shit, look at that, it has been three months. Crap, ok, I’ll whip something up real quick. Just don’t let on that I wrote this at the last minute. Shit, I need a topic. Come on. Topic, topic, topic. AH, got it. This will be done in no time. Ok, here we go.

[***DISCLAIMER*** The contents of this column are for entertainment purposes only. The author, the publishers, and any person with half a brain does not promote, believe, or suggest that you try anything mentioned here. Doing so could be harmful to you and any small animals in your immediate area]

 

How to Write a Column When You Don’t Know How to Write a Column

You picked up a newspaper recently? Ok, given the average IQ of people that read my column that’s a ridiculous question, so let’s try another.

You checked out any internet publications lately? Stop saying no, you’re reading one right now. And if by some chance you did take a glance through the newspaper that you wear as a sailor’s hat, or paid attention to anything you saw on the internet, you’d notice that both are filled with people that write columns.

How-to columns. Advice columns. Sex columns. Advice on How-to have Sex columns. There are millions of them. And also, people get paid to write them. Trust me on this one, I should know. My brother’s ex-girlfriend’s cousin knew a guy that dated Ann Landers. And she had tons of money.

“Adam, what this has to do, me?” you might ask. I assume you speak like an uneducated Neanderthal with a harelip. If I’m wrong I apologize. But I’ll answer your rather unintelligible question anyway. It means that if you can get a column writing gig, you can make money. Lots of money. “Weird” Al Yankovic kind of money. But it ain’t easy. And it’s not for the faint of heart. Now before you pee on the computer monitor in fright, why don’t you take a couple deep breaths, pull up your pants, and read the rest of the column. As usual, I have all the answers.

First you need a title for your column. If you have a cool last name like Savage or Drudge or Bumlicker you’re already a step ahead of the game. Just toss the word Report or Confidential or Asshandler on the end and you’ve got your column name.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t have exciting sounding last names. A lot of us have rather common last names like Smith or Anderson or . . . that’s all I can think of. I’m sure there are other common last names, but none come to mind at the moment. But anyway, you get the point. In that case you need to think of your own. It should be catchy to both the eye and ear. It should give readers an idea of who you are. It should stick in the reader’s mind like that stupid fucking “Babyback Ribs” song from Applebee’s. And it shouldn’t be “Reckless Activities for Stupid People.” That one is taken.

“But Adam, shouldn’t the name of the column have something to do with the content of the column?”

One of these days I’m going to find out how you manage to ask me questions directly through the column. But to answer: No, it shouldn’t. Have you ever read Larry King’s column? That thing isn’t even written in a language spoken on the planet earth anymore. Your title doesn’t have to have anything to do with the column itself.

Once you’ve got a title it’s time to write the column. When you first get started you might want to focus on a specific topic or group of topics. Once you’re an international superstar such as myself, you can go off on any damn rant you please like how stupid people that wear their hat crooked look, and how you’d like to smack everyone who wears their hat crooked with a lead pipe tied to a baseball bat that’s strapped to the end of a shotgun, and then piss on their head while their on the ground screaming in pain, and you just laugh and laugh because after beating them for so long their hat is finally straight. But until you’ve achieved my level of brilliance, I’d avoid that kind of thing.

So you need a topic. I find that the best way to do it is to come up with your topic weeks, if not months, in advance. Have a nice list of topics to work off of, and start writing your column long before the deadline is due. That way you’re not rushed, and have plenty of time to think over what you want to write. Some people wait until the last minute. Those people are idiots. Columns written at the last minute are usually poorly thought out, have numerous spealing errors, and incorrect punctuation? You’ll never find me writing a RASP column in that fashion.

“I’ve got my topic all ready to go, Mr. Johnson. But how do I make it so people will want to read it?”

Sooner or later I’ll catch you. Although I must say the “Mr. Johnson” was a nice touch.

How do you do the actual writing of the column itself? You’re on your own there. If I tell you all the secrets of writing a fantastic, life changing, award winning column such as this one, I’ll be out of a job. And even though I don’t get paid to write this, I need the money.

So that’s the end of the lesson. Feel cheated? It’s a free website, you got what you paid for. Now leave me alone, I want to sleep.

Next week: Planned plenty of time in advance stupidity!

Well now, that wasn’t too bad. Not my best column, but I’m sure someone, somewhere, has written a worse one. Probably. And no one has any idea that I wrote it all at the last second. Fools! HAHAHAHA!!

Adam Johnson is a self taught, unlicensed, heart surgeon. He’s quite good, and half the price! He also finds time to be a “serious writer.” His short stories have appeared in places such as Burning Sky, Anotherealm, Twilight Showcase and the Rare Anthology. He also had a chapbook released by Darktales Publications, and has a story currently available in the critically acclaimed horror anthology, The Asylum Vol. 3: The Quiet Ward, which can be ordered at www.shocklines.com. Any comments, hate mail, job offers, or suggestions for future columns can be sent to raspletters@hotmail.com.